Learning Curve

Today was a rough day at work. Nothing really went wrong. It just wasn't good. On the outside my day might actually look good. I was VERY productive at work - I finished all that I needed to get done and was 100% chargeable. Then why, you might ask, was it such an awful day? Well I'll tell you.

I felt totally incompetent today. I felt like I didn't actually deserve to be working at LHM. I felt like I was letting down my co-workers and partners. I felt stupid. I felt like I was a brand new accountant right out of college with no idea of what I was actually supposed to do. I felt like I was thrown back to how it was when I first started working at PwC, except now, more was expected of me and I just kept falling short.

When I left PwC, I was a senior accountant. I was no longer preparing returns - I was reviewing them. I knew my clients and the issues they faced. I knew what needed to be done for each engagement I was assigned. I had checklists that listed out all the returns that were outstanding, when they were due, where they were at in the process, who was working on them, etc. I felt in control. Heck - I WAS in control. When I needed something, I would go straight to the client because they knew me and I knew them. We had a working relationship. I was excelling at my job - moving up the corporate ladder so to speak. I was challenged, but felt comfortable with what I was doing at the same time. I knew I was good at what I did. I was able to get through a partnership return in pretty good time - always under budget. I knew my managers liked me and were impressed with how fast I was catching on and how quickly I was progressing.

Today was basically the opposite of those feelings. I got a return back from being reviewed by the manager with an entire page of review notes - a return on which I thought I had done so well. I honestly hadn't expected to get anything back. I thought that I was FINALLY getting the hang of the exempt org returns - a form that I had never even seen until about 3 weeks ago, ps. But when that manager came in with his list of things I needed to fix, I felt like I had been slapped in the face. I had already spent more time than necessary working on the return because I had wanted it to be perfect before I gave it to him, so to add all the time it took to make the corrections on the return was another blow.

I knew they wanted to get the return to the client today, so I didn't spend time wallowing in my shame, I just got to work and made all the corrections. However, when I gave the return back, it hit me how incompetent I really was. I shouldn't have had all those review comments. I should have known to do those things before I handed in the return. They expect more out of me - I know they do. They want me to become the expert on these exempt org returns. But it's not just that - I expect more out of me. I should know how to do these returns by now. I should be getting only one or two corrections back - if any! Not a whole freaking page full of them!!

Needless to say, it didn't take long for the self-doubt and pity to set in. I was sitting at my desk holding back the tears. I wouldn't allow myself to go into the bathroom because I knew the water works would really come then (oh - if you don't know this about me by now it's about time you learned - I'm a cry baby. I cry at the drop of a hat). But luckily I held it together. I made it through the rest of the day.

To be honest, I'm still pretty low and I don't feel confident enough in my abilities to walk into work tomorrow with the thought that I was going to kick some Form 990 butt...but hopefully one day that will come. I'm still in the middle of the learning curve - the steep part - and it will probably continue to get steeper for a while. So for now, I guess I'll just have to get used to feeling inadequate and look forward to the day when I can get a return back with no corrections to be made.