200th Post - Where are you Christmas?

Yes folks, that's right. I've hit the 200th post landmark in my blogging journey. Sure, some of you may be thinking "only 200? I'm on post 9,672. 200 is pathetic." But I don't care. It's still my landmark, so I'm going to celebrate it :). So to celebrate, I'm going to list out 200 amazing facts about myself

HAHA JUST KIDDING!! Talk about a LONG & BORING post!

In all reality, I wanted my 200th post to be something special. But honestly, I just want to write a blog post right now and the only thing I can think of is how different this Christmas is for me. So...I'm giving up the idea of an epic 200th post and writing about what is on my mind. So here you go...

I don't know what it is, but it seems that each year the Christmas season seems less like Christmas than the year before. And this year is no different. Seriously. I can't put my finger on why I don't feel like it's Christmas (IN 4 DAYS!). I feel like I should go around everywhere singing the Faith Hill song "Where Are You Christmas?" because it kind of is exactly how I feel. Minus the ending when she realizes that Christmas has always been there & the world is right again because she feels the spirit of Christmas in her life. I'm still waiting for that.

~ Maybe it's my lack of desire to listen to Christmas music (which is a novelty for me). Honestly, when a Christmas song comes on the radio, I cringe & change the station. Except if it's Justin Bieber Mistletoe. LOVE THAT SONG!
~ Maybe it's because we celebrated Christmas in July so I don't really have any Christmas gifts to buy (only the 1 for Brant & that was purchased on Black Friday).
~ Maybe it's because my parents are a million miles away and the thought that I'm going to wake up to an empty house on Christmas Day makes me cry so I don't think about it. EVER. Except for now...and yes...I'm starting to cry.
~ Maybe it's because I have A MILLION other things on my mind besides Christmas. (Mainly surrounding my wedding and trying to get that all planned, while working overtime trying to finish charitable organization tax returns before the real busy season starts.)
~ Maybe it's because I don't have little kids around me all excited about what Santa is going to bring them.
~ Maybe it's because there is NO snow anywhere in the state of Utah. OK...that's probably an exaggeration. I'm sure there is snow some places in Utah. But not much. And not anywhere I am. 
~ Maybe it's because I no longer get a long break for Christmas. One where I get to leave my current place of residence behind & come home for the holidays. Now I just stay where I am. Talk about boring.

Whatever the reason may be...I just don't feel like it's Christmas. I have no Christmas cheer. It seems like just another week this week. It seems like this weekend is just another weekend. Except it's a long one (yay!!). But who knows. Maybe my life will end up like that Faith Hill song & I will be reacquainted with Christmas at the last moment & this will end up being one of the best Christmases so far in my life.

Here's hoping!

He Gets Me

This morning at 7am, not knowing if Brant was awake or not, I sent him the following text message:

"If the person you look up to the most in your life told you he didn't think we were a good match, would you still love me and want to marry me?"

You see, I had just had a horrible dream. I dreamt that Brant & I had been arguing and I left to go out of town with some friends right after. I called him that night to make sure things were good between us, but he told me that he wasn't doing very well. He said how someone (I never found out who it was) told him we weren't a good match and that it made him re-think getting married to me. Obviously I started crying & freaking out - the man I love was breaking up with me - over the phone no less! He wouldn't say much else, no matter how much I pressed him for more answers. It was terrible! Needless to say, I woke up crying and feeling like my real life was crashing down as well.

Side-note: my dreams have a tendency of being very realistic & messing with my head. They stick with me for a long time. It's hard for me to shake the feelings I get from certain dreams. This is one that I know will stick with me for a while.

The only good thing that came from this dream is when I explained why I asked that question, Brant didn't laugh and say how silly I am for letting a dream upset me that much. He just said "No chance of me leaving you, girl. I love you Kristy Carpenter."

Yep! Brant gets me. Just one more reason I love him.

Wifely Instincts

So you know how yesterday I mentioned that Brant was sick (that's if anyone actually read that super random post)? Well I'm a little bitter about it.

That sounds wierd. Let me explain...

I'm not bitter that he's sick. I'm bitter that I'm not the one taking care of him. His mom & dad are the ones taking care of him. The most I have done is text him throughout the day to see how he's doing & then I go down to his house for a couple of hours to watch TV/a movie with him. And he won't let me do anything for him other than maybe give him a back or a foot massage. Ugh!

In the mean time, his mom is there to try to get him to eat food, personally go in and check on him every so often, wait on him hand and foot & get him anything he wants. That may not sound so great to a lot of you... but it's what I like to do for those I love when they are sick (I'm going to be such a great mom! I'm going to baby those kids when they are sick and they will love me forever for it!) And I don't know if his mom is actually babying him like I would be. But it makes me feel better (or worse?) to think that she is.

Anyway... these "wifely instincts", as I'm calling them, really kicked in today when April (Brant's mom) text me saying they were going to take him into the ER (thanks to every doctor's office in Davis County being closed due to power outages from this 70 MPH wind). But then she mentioned how they didn't have a {working} car so she wasn't sure how they were going to make it happen. Obviously I jumped on that grenade and said I could come home during lunch and take them. Yay! A way I could fulfill my wifely duties (ok...so I'm not his wife yet, but that's just semantics).

Well...I just got a text from Brant saying how I didn't need to come by at lunch anymore because his dad (grrrr) is going to take him (he got back early from work I guess...). UGH! Really?!?! All I want is to be able to help him out when he's not feeling well & to take care of my baby. But I keep getting thwarted at every turn.

I know some day I might do anything I can to get out of having to take care of a sick husband and/or child. But for now? I'm going to be bitter that I can't.

Very Random Thoughts by a Very Random Girl

I think the worst part about coming back to work after a long holiday weekend is...well...coming back to work. Hahaha! 

What did I just say on that voice mail to my client? I'd be very welcome to do that for you? HUH?!?!

I kind of wish it'd snow. I know...I think I just saw a pig fly by my window.

B's sick. Part of me hopes I get it because it'd mean days off work. But I don't like being sick. Plus I need the money. So I actually hope I don't get it.

Speaking of money...weddings are EXPENSIVE!! Ugh! Now is the time I REALLY wish I had a money tree growing in my back yard.

I'm sitting at my desk right now with a tax file open pretending to work. That pretty much explains my day up til now. And it foretells what the rest of my day will look like.

My heart leaps with joy when B calls me Kristy Erickson Carpenter - even though he usually says it when I'm being stubborn & won't listen to him. It doesn't get me to listen, but it sure makes me smile.

I'm so thankful I have my sister Kacee - she's stepped up & taken over the role of mom, sister, maid of honor, & wedding planner. She's amazing!

I need to work on my honesty with people. I lie way too much. Sure, they're small white lies. But they do pile up.

Sometimes I want to B*#&$-slap someone just to say that I have. 

Too much caffeine makes me feel like I'm on the verge of crying. Sadly so does PMS. Mix those two? You've got me today...

I read my friend's blog today & it made me want to be a better person. Especially when it comes to my spirituality. I have A LOT to work on.

I was so proud of myself today - I didn't order a slice of cheesecake from The Cheesecake Factory when we went there for lunch.

Confession: on the way home last night I stopped at McDonald's and got a 10-piece chicken nuggets. I accompanied them with a symphony bar (a big one) & a Reese's Christmas tree. Needless to say I felt sick this morning. And it explains the no cheesecake at lunch.

I wish people would stop asking me about the small details of my wedding (e.g. what music will you be dancing to?). I'm still planning the big stuff - so back off people!

Remember how this summer there was a lot of drama in my life? Well...I'm sad to say I kind of miss it. But at the same time I don't. I guess what I actually miss is writing fun cryptic blog posts to/about random guys. 

I hate these new ads on facebook. It keeps saying that I've won. I just want to yell "SHUT UP!!" Instead I just closed facebook.

I have 73 days until I'm married. Is it pathetic that I know that? Yes. Do I care? No. Will I make it? Man I hope so! It seems forever away though. 

I finished my Christmas shopping yesterday. It helps that I only have one person to buy for. But still...it's DONE!

What do I want for Christmas? B keeps asking me. I have no idea.

I'm sure I've bored anyone who actually took the time to read this post.

Maybe I'll do some actual work for the last hour I'm here. :)

Bye!

It's My Birthday?

Tomorrow is my birthday. I'm turning 28. But I don't feel like it's my birthday. I feel like it's just another day. Maybe it's because it's on Thanksgiving. Maybe it's because I've been consumed with the wedding that I haven't been able to get excited about my birthday. Maybe because I really hate the fact that I'm getting older & 28 sounds SOOOOO old! Maybe it's because I'm not having a party. Maybe it's a combination of all those things & more. But whatever the reason, it doesn't seem like it's my birthday at all. And that's actually OK with me.

A Little Home Sick

There are days when I really miss living in NYC.

I miss the people.

I miss the hustle & bustle.

I miss the stores all decorated for Christmas.

I miss the shopping.

I miss walking EVERYWHERE.

I miss that you can walk a few blocks and feel like you're in a different city/state/country.

I miss Broadway shows.

I miss the restaurants.

I miss saying "I live in NYC."

I miss my friends.

I miss my small apartment on the 5th floor (no elevator).

I miss the street vendors (mainly the ones selling fruit).

 I miss Central Park.

I miss taking walks/going for a run along the river.

I miss... New York.

Making Progress?

Man! Weddings are hard to plan! Especially without your mom here to help you with everything. And especially when you're not doing one of those "invite everyone you, your parents, your fiance, and his parents have ever known" Utah Mormon wedding receptions held in the chapel gym. Both Brant & I want something small - with just our family and close friends.

That makes it tough.

I knew weddings aren't the easiest things to plan. But I didn't expect so much drama to be involved. Here is just a taste of some of the drama I've been dealing with surrounding this wedding:

- Choosing a date: Brant & I want January, but his little brother doesn't get home from his mission until Feb. 6. But we really don't want a Valentine's Day wedding (which means no Feb. 11 or 18). Kacee is gone the last week of February. I can't do March because of tax busy season...Ugh!

- Deciding on colors: this is just because both Brant & I are very indecisive people. And there are just WAY too many colors in this world.

- Bridesmaids: first there were two. Then three. Then two again. Then one? Then two. Now possibly three? I'm at a total loss what to do here still.

- Finding a reception place: Brant & I had a pretty specific idea of what we wanted before we started looking at places for our dinner/reception. Our ideal place? A barn. Do you know how many barns there are in Utah where you don't have to do EVERYTHING? None. Zero. Zip. So then the search for something rustic, small, nice, elegant, not cheesy, not too expensive, and where they provide tables/chairs/linens/decor/etc. commenced. But remember how both B & I are indecisive? Yeah...

- Temple: no, it wasn't a big decision on if we get married in a temple or not. But it hasn't been easy deciding which temple to go to. You see, I've always had my heart on the Bountiful Temple. Brant has always had his heart set on the Manti Temple. Well...he won me over on the idea of the Manti Temple (somehow...I guess I really love him or something). But it wasn't as easy to convince my parents. Heck...we're still trying to convince them. They (or I should say my dad) aren't happy about our decision. It's too far. It could snow. Not everyone will be able to go. Blah blah blah. DRAMA!

- Dresses: not my dress. Dresses for others. I have a large family & all my siblings are married with kids (mostly girls). The big question is: do ALL the girls in my family (including nieces) wear dresses to match the wedding party? Because if so, that's almost 1/2 our reception. That's a lot of people. And a lot of money.

Well...that's just SOME of the drama that I've been dealing with the past 2 weeks. But don't get me wrong. Brant & I are also having a good time planning the wedding. I feel like we talk about it non-stop, but it wasn't until this weekend that we actually got any planning done.

Yes, folks...Brant & I have made some decisons about our wedding. Here is what we know so far:

- Date: February 11, 2012.
- Temple: Manti (with the Bountiful Temple as a back-up in case of a HUGE blizzard)
- Reception/Dinner: held the night before at Millcreek Inn (well...we hope. We're still waiting on an estimate)
- Colors: a couple different shades of blues, brown, and cream
- Dresses: I'm giving in to my mom's request & getting dresses for ALL the girls in my family.
- The happiest people in the world: Brant & me

Yes, there has been a lot of drama so far (and I'm sure there will be plenty still to come), but I am still so happy to be marrying Brant! I sure hope Feb. 11 gets here soon!!!

I'm in Love! I'm in Love! And I Don't Care Who Knows It!

I, Kristy Erickson, am in love with the most wonderful man I know - Brant Carpenter. And guess what... we're getting married!!! I'm so excited I don't know what to do with myself!

Seriously! I'm the happiest person in the world right now.

I know I've blogged quite a bit about Brant and the craziness that was our dating story. But for those of you who are reading this who haven't read the other posts, here's a quick summary:

Brant & I met back in May when I moved into his ward. I thought he was cute and fun & I had a slight crush on him. But then Jared came along and it put things with Brant on hold for a while. Not completely, though. There were moments of flirting with me & Brant when Jared wasn't around (I know...I'm a horrible person. But it's OK because I'm ending up with Brant). The second things were done with me & Jared, things picked up with Brant.

But I wasn't sure how I felt about Brant for quite a while. I liked hanging out with him, but he was the rebound guy. So I was feeling a little guilty letting things continue. But I also couldn't get myself to end things with him. So we continued to see each other EVERY DAY (seriously...I think we've gone one, maybe two days without seeing each other since we started dating). We have now been dating for three months. And I was in the middle of it before I realized something had even begun.

About a month ago we started talking about the "M" word. And from there things moved very quickly (keeping in fashion with the rest of our relationship). About three weeks ago we decided to get married. And last night he (finally) proposed!!! And everyone loves a good proposal story...so here's mine.

I knew Brant had the ring (we picked it out together & he let it slip that he was picking it up on Monday). I just didn't know when it was all going to go down. I knew it was sometime this week, but Brant led me to believe he was going to wait until this weekend.

Well, last night, Brant took me out on a date to Macaroni Grill. And as one does at Macaroni Grill, we started doodling on the table after we had eaten. I drew a flower, a star, and then I traced my hand. Brant made fun of my knuckle lines & said they looked like hair. And he said something was missing. Then Brant moved the plate that was in front of him. He had written "Will you marry me?" on the table and next to that was my ring! I said "are you serious?" (yeah...I know...) then wrote in big letters YES! We kissed, then he slipped the ring on my finger. Then it was official!

After weeks of waiting and talking and planning...we could finally tell the world! And we did :). We went back to my place and started telling everyone we could think of. It was so fun to share the news with our friends and family!

I can't to be married to Brant! We haven't set a date yet, but we're thinking either mid January or the beginning of February. I know I'm going to be super busy over the next couple of months, but I also hope it goes by fast! I love Brant so much and can't wait to start our new lives together!

Being Sick Isn't So Bad...

For the past few days I've been pretty sick. That cold/flu that comes around every year? Yeah...I got it. No fun!

I left work early on Monday and haven't been back. But before you feel too bad for me - thinking I've been cooped up inside all day - I need to stop you. You see, yesterday was actually an amazing day.

This has been one of the most colorful falls I can remember in Utah and I wanted to get some pictures of the leaves before they were all gone.

Brant also took yesterday off from work, so we headed up to the mountains to take advantage of a beautiful fall day. We spent the day driving up the canyon, having a picnic, cuddling up under a canopy of bright leaves, and watching the sunset while on a cliff side.

You see? If you do things my way, being sick isn't so bad.

Secrets Secrets Are No Fun

You know that part in Sense & Sensibility when Edward's secret engagement is found out?


Elinor is relieved of a secret that she's had to keep to herself for a long time. The worst part was that the secret was most hurtful to her. She was suffering so much, but had to keep that suffering to herself. She could not confide in her sister even. She had to deal with the weight of that knowledge all alone. She had to go on pretending that life was fine - pretending that nothing had changed. But her life was turned upside down when she learned that secret.

Man! Elinor must have been so relieved when others discovered the secret she was keeping. Sure, she was still hurting, but at least she wasn't alone in it anymore.

REALLY Don't Want To Work

So today is one of those days where I sit at my desk and do anything besides the tax return sitting in front of me.

So far today I've:
~ gone to Starbucks twice (yes twice - the first time they gave me the wrong drink which had coffee in it & I didn't discover it until I was at work. So I had to go back to rectify the situation)
~ caught up with friends' statuses on facebook
~ chatted with a couple of friends on facebook
~ laid my head down on my desk for 5 minutes, then stood outside (in the cold rain) for another 5 minutes because I felt really dizzy & lightheaded all of a sudden (hasn't gone away in the last hour & a half PS)
~ text a few of my friends about various things
~ talked to my parents (twice) via Skype
~ called Verizon and yelled at 2 different people for 20 minutes
~ and now I'm here blogging

Yep! It's a super productive day. But in all seriousness, I do feel like crap & might either throw-up or pass-out any minute. (I'm hoping for neither one...but we'll see). So I think I might actually just go home, curl up on the couch & watch a chick flick. Ummm...yes please!

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

I hate that question. I really do. Especially when it's in an interview.

Any time I get asked this question I want to respond with "Heck! I don't know what I want to be doing tomorrow, let alone five years from now."

Sure, when I think of what I want my life to be like when I'm 32...almost 33 (holy crap I'm getting old!), I have a picture in mind. I want to be married, with a kid (maybe 2?), not working outside of the home, living outside of Utah, and happy. Pretty much nothing like what my life is now.

Well except for the happy part. Because I am extremely happy right now.

The tricky part is that my ideal future isn't solely dependent on me. Since it involves another (i.e. a future husband & kids), I can't plan on where I will be in 5 years. I don't even feel like I can plan on where I'll be in 1 year. That's a little scary for me.

I'm a planner. I like to know what's going on days (weeks, months, years) in advance. None of this "fly by the seat of your pants" crap for me. Agendas are my heroine. I blame my dad for making me this way.

But when your future is so unknown, you can't have an agenda. I can't say that on Jan. 15 (total random day that just popped into my head right now and holds completely no significance whatsoever...promise) I'll be married. And then exactly 1 year 4 months and 10 days after that I will have my first baby girl names Emily.

Nope. None of that planning is possible. And it's frustrating.

Sometimes I would LOVE to have just a tiny glimpse into my future. Wouldn't that be nice? Every time someone asks you, "where do you see yourself in 5 years?" you could simply close your eyes, take a second and actually SEE where you will be in 5 years? Man, that'd be AWESOME!

But we can't. We just have to keep playing this guessing game and planning for a future that may never happen.

As a quick experiment, I want you to think back to where you were 5 years ago. Ask your then 5-year-younger self where he/she sees him/herself in 5 years and tell me if it is anything like where you are today.

For me...no way am I'm where I thought/hoped/wished/planned I'd be. 5 years ago I was 22 (almost 23). I was in my last year at BYU living it up. I had a job offer in NYC at one of the largest accounting firms and I couldn't wait to start that new adventure! All I had to do was finish these last few classes and real life could begin.

At that time in my life I was career driven. I wanted to work for a large corporation, earn lots of money, succeed in business...ya know...be a career woman. Sure, I also wanted other things. I wanted to be married in 5 years. Maybe have a family. But if I did, I would still be working. Nannies are abundant in NYC...totally the way to go. I saw myself living in NYC, still working for PwC - or if not, some other big company out there.

If you had told my 22 year old self that in 5 years I'd be back living at my parents house, not married, no kids, at a job that I only sometimes like, dating a boy who is 4 years younger than me...I probably would have just given up with life. Well...I actually wouldn't have believed you. I would have laughed in your face & exclaimed that there was no way that would be my life.

Maybe that's why we are never allowed to see a glimpse into our future. We probably wouldn't believe it anyway. And if we did, it might make so we didn't push ourselves for something better. Something more than what we have now. If I had known that in 5 years I'd be where I am today, maybe I wouldn't have moved to NYC and had as many adventures that I've had. And I would have missed out on so many things!

So I guess it's a good thing that we can't know what our lives will be like in 1, 5, 10 years from now. We can plan, hope, and pray for life to be like what we want it to be. But you never know where life will take you. Maybe in 5 years I will have my "dream" life. Or maybe I'll look back at what I want now and just laugh at how different my life is than how I'd planned.

That's the beautiful/horrible thing about life. It's completely unpredictable.

Changing the World

I just got back from the YWCA Leadership Luncheon. It was actually my second year being able to go to the luncheon. I'm glad I was invited to go. Last year, the speaker was the author of The Glass Castle and she told about her very unique experiences growing up. I started reading the book, but never finished. I might pick it up again after I finish reading The Help.

Anyway, I'm not here to talk about last year's luncheon. I want to talk about what was spoken on today. The keynote speaker today was Jennifer Siebel Newsom, the writer, director & producer of a documentary called Miss Representation. It's a film about how media contributes to the under-representation of women in influential positions & perpetuates the idea that women's primary value lies in their youth, beauty & sexuality (I got the above from a combination of the website & what was written in the luncheon handout).

No, I haven't seen the film. Yes, I REALLY want to now. (FYI - it's premiering on OWN (Oprah's network) on Oct. 20 for anyone interested in seeing it).

Jennifer spoke a lot about the appalling statistics that embody our society. Did you know that women represent 51% of our country & yet we are still not well represented in government, business, etc? It's sad that women don't get the same opportunities as men do in many (if not most) aspects of our society. There are fields where women are the dominant sex (education being one of them). But for the most part, women still struggle to make their mark on our society.

But this brings up the question: are women not given the opportunities to succeed or do they simply choose a different lifestyle (ie staying home to raise the children)? Do women choose to not follow careers in business, government, etc? Or is society not giving them the opportunities?

I'm sure it's a little bit of both.

But I don't like that women feel that they are not given the same opportunities as men. That's not OK with me. And there are facts to support that women do not get the same opportunities as men. You take a man and a women with the same education, same experience & the same job. Compare their salaries. Just guess who gets paid more...the man of course! On average, a women gets paid $0.77 for every $1 a man makes. And that's assuming they can get the job in the first place. That's not cool.

Not to mention the fact that women don't get paid to be a full-time mom. 

Now I'm not saying that men are to blame in this. We women have helped in this as well. We don't stand up for ourselves. We let this happen. And we perpetuate it with things like The Real Housewives, etc. Yes - all those shows that we love to hate (but yet we still watch) are perpetuating the idea that women aren't worth as much as men. We are teaching ourselves & our children (metaphorical children in my case) that a woman's worth isn't more than fake boobs, 10 pounds of makeup, the "perfect" body & rich husbands.

I don't know about you, but I would NEVER want my daughter (if God willing I ever have one) to think that she's not worth more than that.

Women are special. I am special. You are special. We are worth so much more than what society portrays us as. We are so much more than sex objects to be lust after by the men running our country & businesses. WE could (and should) be running this country & those businesses.

So what can we do? Do we all need to strive to be the next CEO of a fortune 500 company? Do we all need to run for office? No. I'm not saying that. Mainly because I don't want to do either of those things. I actually hope to one day be a full-time stay at home mom. That's my dream. And I don't think there is anything wrong with that.

But maybe if we all are a bit more conscious of how we portray ourselves, our daughters/nieces/cousins/sisters/etc., & every other women in the world, we could make a difference. We are strong women of the 21st Century. Maybe it's time we really start acting like it & demanding that our society notice.

OK...so no. I don't have any REAL ideas on what we can do to change our society & how it views women. I'm still trying to figure that out. But I wanted to share my thoughts. Maybe awareness is the first step we need to make our society & it's view of women better.

Picture Overload

I just dropped my parents off at the airport as they begin their journey as missionaries for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. It was very hard to say good-bye to them, but I know that it's worth it. They are going to be amazing missionaries and are going to bless the lives of those living in Sweden. I'm so proud of my parents and their decision they made to serve the Lord. But it was still hard to say good-bye.

Well, since I knew today was going to be a hard day, I took it off from work! Yay! So now I'm sitting at home wondering what to do. What I should do is go to the gym. But what I'm going to do it update this blog with some pictures I've taken over the past couple of months. So yes...there are going to be lots and lots of pictures in this post. I haven't posted any pics in a really long time so there is a lot to cover.

The first thing is my family's annual trip to my cabin for our reunion. We had a great time this year (as we do every year)! This year, because Mom & Dad will be gone, we celebrated Christmas in July. It was so fun! As per our (new) tradition, we did white elephant gifts. I got a Justin Bieber watch (oh yeah!), Jeff & Scott got some awesome singing hats, and Jordan came away with the prize possession of an autographed picture of...ME! Haha! Other than Christmas, we played games, rafted down the river, went on a hike, played tennis, took a trip into Yellowstone, went to a rodeo, and just hung out. I love my family! We always have a great time together.

Since the cabin trip, I've just been hanging out with friends - trying to take advantage of what's left of the summer as much as we could. Setting aside all the drama that has surrounded my summer, it's been a pretty great few months!

I played boccie ball with some friends at one of our many game nights.

I went to a Death Cab for Cutie concert with Jo & Melissa.

I went camping for Labor Day weekend (3 nights of sleeping in a tent) with Brant (the mysterious Mr. B I've been writing to much about lately) Katie, Gary, and Chris.

And to the Utah State Fair with Brant.

I'm sad to see this summer come to an end, but I LOVE fall and can't wait for all the fun things it brings with it.

Trapped

Ok...yes. I know I already posted today. So what? It's one of those days. Forgive me?

I don't know what's up with me today, but I am feeling trapped. Trapped by this world I've created for myself. A world that includes a job, good friends, family nearby, 2 cats, church, and a boy. Sounds pretty terrible doesn't it? I mean, who would want my life when I put it like that? I hope you got that I was being very sarcastic.


So, then why do I feel like I want to escape it all? Why do all of a sudden I have this need to be anywhere but where I am, be anyone but who I am, do anything but what I'm doing?

And why is it that the weekend I NEED to get away from it all I can't?

I've been contemplating going to St. George this weekend. Just me. No one else. Solo. I'd do nothing but sit by the pool & read my book for hours. Maybe go to a movie. What movie? It wouldn't matter...whatever I felt like watching. I even got so far as looking up hotels to stay in. But before making a reservation, I checked the weather. There is one day for the next week when it's going to storm in St. George. Just take a guess what day that is. Yep! You guessed it...tomorrow. Oh...and then I remembered that I have plans tomorrow night & my parents will be back from the MTC for one last weekend together before they're gone. So never mind that idea.

But I need to get away. By myself. Be alone. Think about nothing and everything all at once. Just be ME for a while. Even if it's just for a day. A night. A few hours. A month (haha JK...though it does sound amazing right now).

As I've been thinking about why I feel this overwhelming need to retreat, I realized a few things:

1) I NEED "me" time. Time where I am alone doing what I want to do, not caring about anyone else. Listening to loud music. Dancing around in my undies. Eating bad for me food and not caring. Watching a good ol' fashion chick flick. Being ME.

2) I haven't had "me" time since the beginning of June when I started dating Jared (and possibly before that. I'm not sure when the last "me" day was to be honest). I was always with Jared. Then when that ended I was always with friends. Now I'm always with B. The only time I'm alone is when I'm at work... but I'm still not doing what I WANT to do. So it doesn't count as "me" time.

3) My life has been such a roller coaster for the past few months, I don't think my emotions and thoughts have really been able to catch up. I think they are just starting too and it's very overwhelming. I'm not even sure who I am anymore or what I'm feeling. I need time to figure those things out.

4) I love to travel, and I haven't gone away since April. That's a long time for me. No wonder I'm feeling the itch. I like Utah (well...sort of). But I can't stay here for long before I have to leave. I know St. George is still Utah...but it's not Bountiful, UT. So it would work.

5) I don't know when or where to, but I WILL get away soon! Maybe next weekend? I may be making a visit to St. George.

But for now I'm going to settle for going camping with B tonight and calling in sick tomorrow. At least I'll have a "me" morning/afternoon tomorrow. Hopefully it'll help.

What a Day

This post is a few days late in coming; but honestly, I've been really busy and haven't had much time to sit and blog. So I apologize. I also apologize for the length...

Well, Sunday was quite the day for me, my family, and well...America. Sunday was Sept. 11. Now, unless you've been living under a rock for the past 10 years, you know what that day means. It was the 10-year "anniversary" of the terrorist attacks on our great country. I can't believe it's been 10 years! I still remember that day like it was almost yesterday.

I was a senior at Bountiful High School. I heard the terrible news the moment I got to school. I had choir with Mr. Smith first period - it was Xela, the women's show choir. I remember Mr. Smith rolled in a TV so that we could watch the news footage. It was so sobering. None of us could believe our eyes. Who would do this?!?! Why would anyone do this?!?!

Because the Olympics were coming to SLC in 2002, our choir was learning patriotic songs (not only did we do a patriotic concert, we were privileged to sing as the Olympic torch was carried around the track at BHS). That day, singing those songs meant much more than they had just the day before. I had never felt so much love & pride in my country. I was proud to be an American! It was difficult to get through the songs without crying, but we sang about the love of our country as best as we could.

My next class was Human Anatomy. The second class started, my teacher said that she wanted every single one of us to call our parents and just tell them how much we love them. If we didn't have a cell phone, she said we could use hers (remember 10 years ago when not everyone above the age of 10 had a cell phone?). She too wheeled in a TV so we could continue watching the news coverage.

Later that day I had my second choir class. It was pretty much a repeat of first period (minus the TV & plus more people - including guys). The power with which we sang those songs was tangible. Again, it was hard to sing them without crying. But no one wanted to sing any of our other songs. So we continued to show pride in our country which had just been attacked.

No, I did not know anyone at the time who was in either of the Twin Towers. I had yet to have any real connection to NYC. It wasn't my city yet. I didn't have the love for the city that I do now. But that didn't matter. It wasn't just the city that was attacked. It was the country. It was every single American. Man, woman, child. We were all effected by it. Life has never been the same for anyone.

After living in NYC, I have met many people who did live in NYC at the time. Some have miraculous stories to share of how they should have been either in one of the towers or in the surrounding area that day, but for some reason, they weren't there. There are stories of bravery & heroism. There are stories of loved ones being lost. There are stories of being so scared for their lives they didn't know what to do other than pray. We each have our story of what happened on that fateful day. Some are like mine - from a distance. Some are first-hand experiences. But whatever our story is, we all have one. We will never forget the day when country-wide, the Earth stood still. It's amazing how drastically things can change in the blink of an eye.

Another reason why Sunday was such an emotional day, was because it was my parents' farewell. My parents spoke to their ward the day before they left for the MTC to serve the Lord as missionaries. For some reason, I had agreed to sing on Sunday. I sang a beautiful arrangement of I am a Child of God. I was VERY nervous that I would not make it through the song. You see, I'm a crier. Like big time. I'm the worst in the fam. But that morning I prayed so hard that I wouldn't cry during my mom's talk or during my song. I wanted to be able to deliver the message of the song. I wanted to be able to share my testimony through the song as well. Plus I didn't want to look like a fool.

Well, my mom started speaking. I paid as much attention to it as I dared to. There were times, when she began to get teary-eyed that I had to start thinking of something else. Only once did my eyes begin to well up with tears. But somehow I was able to push them back in. Then it was my turn. I didn't dare look at my family as I sang. I knew if I did, I would lose it. I couldn't even look at my parents as I walked by them on the way to the podium. But guess what...I made it through the song! I think I sounded pretty good too (I hate saying that, it sounds like bragging).

I know that I was not alone up there. I had angels watching over me. Do you know how I know that? Because the SECOND I sat down after singing, I completely lost it! I mean, there was even a sob in there. Ask anyone around me. All the emotion that had been held back by the dam broke through with a vengeance. Luckily I had B there to hold my hand through it all. I don't think he really knew what to do as I sat there and cried. But there wasn't anything he could do but just sit there and hold me. And that's what he did - so he passed :)

After church, we had all our family up for some good food & good-byes. (B came up too...but more on that another time, maybe). Later, my parents were set apart as missionaries for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Oh man...that was TOUGH! The stake president made all the kids tell our parents how we feel about them. He could tell I was already losing it (yes...I started crying during the opening prayer before any of this had even begun), so we started youngest to oldest. Thank goodness!! I barely made it through as it was. Man, I was a mess. But again, I had B there to hold my hand & help me get through it. (Wow...that day had to be pretty crazy for him. Meeting my ENTIRE family for the first time, all at once, then having me completely bawling a couple of times & him not really able to do anything. I should apologize for putting him through that.)

By the end of the day, my parents & I (and I'm sure the whole fam & B) were drained! We were so tired - both emotionally & physically. It'd been a loooonnngggg day! But we made it through! It was a very wonderful day. I'm glad my parents had such a special day.

On Monday I said good-bye to them as they were driving to the MTC that morning. But they are only gone until Friday night, so it wasn't a tearful good-bye. We're saving that for this coming Monday when Cori & I take them to the airport. I've already told my work that I won't be coming in that day. I'll be WAYYYY too emotional to be productive. I plan on spending most of the day crying. But we'll cross that bridge when it comes. As for now, I'm going to relish in the fact that through a miracle & the help of the Lord, my parents & I were able to make it through a VERY emotional day without looking like bumbling idiots & totally cry babies. And that's saying something for us.

Man, I'm sure glad Sunday is over & done with! Now if only Monday can go as well...

Dear _____,

Dear Mom & Dad,

You leave for the MTC on MONDAY! Yep - just a few days from now and you'll be official missionaries for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I can't believe that you're going to be gone for 18 months. I know the time will go fast, but I'm going to miss you so much! It's going to be hard not to be able to just call you when I need a recipe. Or text you when I need to just tell you something quick. Or see you pretty much whenever I want. But you'll be serving the Lord, which is such an amazing thing. I'm so proud to be your daughter. I love you both so much! You mean the world to me. Thank goodness we have email and Skype. We'll be able to stay in touch over the next while. And just think - next summer I'll come visit you! Won't that be fun?!? Sure, the next year and a half are going to be hard not having you around, but we'll make it through. Sure do love you!

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Dear B,

Well, I guess I've figured out how I feel about you finally. And I'm glad you feel the same about me. Who would have ever thought we'd be where we are. I know neither one of us did. Even though we are so completely different - in practically every way (with a few exceptions such as black licorice, Cougar Town, and kissing) - somehow what we've got really works. For now at least. Who knows what the future will bring. But I'm looking forward to what's ahead of us. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little nervous for you to meet my family on Sunday. Is it too soon to introduce you to them? Is this a bad idea? I'm not sure the answers to those questions. I guess we'll find out in a couple of days.

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Dear K,

I'm glad we've become friends. It's nice to have a good girl friend in my new ward. Plus we have tons of fun together. And we are kind of the same person. So it's like hanging out with myself - and who doesn't like that? Hahaha! Thanks for putting up with me & B all the time. And thanks for being my sounding board. I'm glad I'm yours too. It makes so I don't feel as bad when I go on and on about things sometimes. Thanks for introducing me to Cougar Town. It's so funny!!! And yes - one day we should have our very own "Cul de Sac Crew." It'd be awesome!!

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Dear J,

This will be my last letter to you. No - we haven't yet talked face to face since that fateful day. But I'm starting to not care. Sure, I still am a little cautious w/ B at church things - just in case you're around. But that's going to stop. I'm with B now, and how you feel about it has no effect on me whatsoever. Is that cruel to say? I'm doing really good about not thinking about you. Your name usually only pops into my head when someone brings you up or mentions something from when we were together. I might not be totally free of you, but I'm no longer hurting. Are you really ever free from the first guy you truly loved? I don't think so. So yes, you will always be a part of me. But you'll only get a very small part. 

Rain, Rain Go Away...

Hold up...let me start that over.

Rain, rain went away. Please come back another day. (preferably tonight)

This weekend, we were blessed with some AMAZING thunder & lightning storms. And heavy rain. It was great! I really do love the rain. I love storms. They make me happy.

This weekend I learned that I REALLY like storms when I've got someone to cuddle up to & watch them with. Or in my circumstance, drive up in the mountains so we can watch the lightning over the whole Bountiful/Salt Lake valley. Seriously awesome view. And the company was pretty awesome as well.

Oh...and remember this post: 7 Things to do Before I'm 30? My number 6 was kiss in the rain. Well folks, I got to cross that off my list ;). Hehehe! Wow - I never thought I'd blog about a kiss. Hmmmm...

Nothing to do...

I'm at work. I'm bored. What's new? Right? 

So to dull my boredom & possibly increase yours, I'm going to write about whatever pops into my head at this time. I don't know where this post will end up. I hope it's somewhere good ;)

I just saw the brightest green car drive past my window just now. And when I say the brightest green car I mean - neon green. And a BRIGHT neon green. I don't think I can actually say it enough times for you to get an accurate picture of what I mean. But man! It was bright green! 

It's really cold in my office. I don't understand why it needs to be so cold that I find it necessary to wear a sweater in mid-August. I know I'm very sensitive to the cold & my body temperature is about 5 degrees lower than most people's. But this is a little ridiculous! 

I think it funny how involved my work people are in my life. They are very concerned with who I'm dating & it always makes me laugh. Well...normally. Sometimes it makes me cry when they judge me for my actions. But I've learned to get over that. I'm no longer concerned about what others think. I'm living life for me now.

It makes me sad when I realize someone who I consider to be a good friend just isn't one anymore. I have a hard time letting go. Maybe that's a good thing? The jury is still out.

I'm grateful for Elder Ballard's talk he gave to my stake on Sunday. He made a lot of really great points. And...I got a date out of it. So thanks Elder Ballard for giving me the courage to say no to only hanging out with a certain boy. 

Seriously why is it so cold in here?

I'm learning I like Death Cab for Cutie a lot more than I thought. And I thought I liked them a lot. But the more I listen to them, the more I like them.

I'm counting down the days until Snow Patrol releases their new song. I'm already obsessed with it. And the music video. Here it is... maybe you too can become as obsessed with it as I am. You probably won't though. I'm a little crazy.

I need to be nicer. I'm too sarcastic. I'm too hard on people. I call people names too much (e.g. "your a dork" "idiot" etc.). I need to stop that. Starting now.

I'm thankful that Jared taught me to be more open about my feelings. I'm not as scared as I once was to tell someone I like them. But I still should work on being more open. 

I'm very excited to have my own place again. But I'm sad that my parents are leaving for 1.5 years in less than 3 weeks! And I wish the place were really MINE - I feel like a guest in my parent's house. And I don't think that will change with them gone. 

I'm hungry. That salad I had for lunch isn't lasting. I'll grab something to eat on my way home.

I got a new trainer at the gym. I really like her. Her name is Heather. She's great. I don't want to cry/pass out/throw up/die after each session. I'm tired. But I feel good.

I don't know if I'll ever understand my heart. I hope I do someday. But for now...I've given up trying to figure out what it wants. I've also given up trying to make it feel differently than it does. I'm just going with the flow. If my heart tells me something, I'll follow it. I may end up very hurt - or hurting someone else. But I can't handle thinking about that at this time in my life.

OMG why is it so cold? My hands are ice!!! Ugh!

I love when people tell me they read my blog. But at the same time, it's a little weird to see someone I know reads it. I never know if they have read my latest post or not. If they have, do they get bored when I tell them what I just blogged about? But if they haven't and I don't tell them, are they going to be hurt that they found out something through a blog post and not through me?

I wish I were more creative. I wish I had a passion for taking pictures, making movies, scrap booking, writing, drawing, painting, etc.

I wish I had a hobby. I need a hobby. But what should it be? What do I like to do? I wish I knew...

Ok...I'm done sitting around pretending to work. It's 5:15. I'm just going to leave. Now...what should I do until 6:15 (when I meet with my trainer)? No idea.

Last thing: I'm excited to see B tonight. I haven't seen him since Sunday and I miss him. That's a good sign, right?

More Letters

Dear J,

Yesterday was the first day I had seen you since you broke my heart. And yes...it was as difficult as I thought it would be. I hope you didn't see me walk in, spot you sitting on MY bench, walk out, pace back and forth, go get a drink, then finally get the courage enough to walk back in. How could you choose to sit on MY bench? You know that's where I always sit. You like sitting in the front of the chapel...REMEMBER?!?! Ugh! I don't know if you saw me glance back at you. I don't know if the upset look I saw on your face had to do with seeing me or the fact that I was squished between 2 guys or the talk that was being given. Maybe you saw that B & I were sitting a little closer than normal. I wish I knew. I wish you had talked to me. Or even acknowledged my presence. Maybe next week? I hope you're doing OK.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear B,

Thanks for sitting next to me in church yesterday. Thanks for not being hurt when I didn't hold your hand. I know you wanted to hold mine. And that alone helped me get through the day. Thanks for not being upset when you caught me looking back at J & shedding a tear (twice). Thanks for being my support. I don't know if you realized why I was so upset, but I think you have a pretty good idea. And thanks for understanding when I told you that I didn't want to talk about it. Wait...is that why you rubbed my back? To show J that I had moved on and that I was no longer his? If so, that's pretty funny. But I hope you know I'm not ready to be completely yours yet. Please continue to be patient with me. I like having you around. I think you're pretty great! Just give me time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear B (#2),

Do you really need to go back to Provo to finish your MPA? I don't know what I'm going to do without you. You've become such a good friend these past few weeks. I love talking to you. I love hanging out with you. I'm going to miss you tons! Thanks for being someone to talk to when I needed you most. You're a great guy & a great friend. Please keep in touch! I'll be calling for guy advice soon I'm sure.

It's That Time of Year Again

For those of you who have been following my blog for a while know how I've struggled with the question of what I want to be when I grow up. Well folks, it's that time of year where once again I am asking myself this question. The sad thing is, every time I have this question I realize that I AM grown up (or at least MORE grown up than I was before). But that doesn't mean I know what I want to do.

I struggle with what is practical vs what I love vs what will pay the bills. Sometimes I wish that I had just followed my first love & gone into medicine. I don't know if I would be any happier with my job than I am with mine now, but I'd like to think I would be. I still love medicine and am fascinated by it. But I'm past the time where doing anything in the medical field is feasible (see...the whole practical side of me steps in).

I still haven't completely given up the idea of being a teacher. I think that I could be a good teacher. I think that I would enjoy it. But then again, I've never done it and the thought that after I put in the time and energy and resources to become a teacher I will discover that it's really not for me scares me half to death. Then where will I be? Besides...I have to consider the salary of a teacher and I wonder if it would really support my lifestyle (that might make me high maintenance, but whatever).

It's scary considering doing anything other than accounting because that's what I know. That's what I do. That's what I've done for the past 4 years & I know I'm good at it. I don't like failing. And if I change fields then there is the chance that I will fail. I don't like that.

But I'm not happy doing taxes. I don't get any amount of satisfaction from my work. I dread going to work every day. I envy the people who say they love their job. I need to find that. I want to find something that I'm excited to get out of bed for every morning. As of now, I hit the snooze button as many times as I can before I feel too guilty about being THAT late to work that I finally force myself to crawl out of bed. Sure...that might have something to do with the fact I don't get to bed before 1:30 am ever. But part of it is the job.

So...I've decided. Today after work, I'm going to start looking online and talking to people about possible jobs. I'm just going to see what's out there in the field of bookkeeping or office management. I feel like those types of jobs would be a change, but not ones that will make me push aside my training. I'm also going to start focusing my prayers towards this as well. I'm hoping for some divine intervention here.

I don't know what I'll end up doing. But whether I stay at my current job or I find another accounting position or I do something completely different, all I know is that something has to change. Even if that something is just my attitude and focus. I can't have any more days like today where I can only say I worked 3 of the 8 hours I've been here. Much too painful. So wish me luck on my search for greener pastures :)

It's a Monday...

and I'm paying the price for a fun weekend. Seriously...will I EVER get to sleep before 1am again? I sure hope so. These late nights are KILLING me! And my work habits. I mean...I don't know if I'll actually get one single thing done today at work. I'm THAT tired and THAT unmotivated and THAT easily distracted. Hence I'm blogging :)

So this weekend... it was great! On Friday I went to my very first demolition derby in South Jordan with my friend Steve & his friend Melissa. It was such a great time! I might become a derby junkie. No joke! Here's a few pics from the night:

On Saturday, some friends and I went to the drive in and saw Rise of the Planet of the Apes and Cowboys & Aliens. These were probably the last two movies on my list of movies I wanted to see, but they weren't as bad as I had expected. I was even pleasantly surprised by the the Planet of the Apes. But it wasn't the movies that made it fun - it was the company. I love the friends I've made in my new ward. We have a great time together! And it didn't hurt that I was doing a little cuddling with my friend Ben during both movies. But don't worry...he doesn't need a "letter" - things are completely platonic with Ben :). Hahaha!

Then last night (Sunday...just in case you forgot how the days of the week go), my family had Thanksgiving dinner! Yum!!! There isn't anything better than a delicious turkey dinner complete with mashed potatoes, veggies & of course amazing desserts. I made pumpkin chocolate chip cookies that I had to admit were AMAZING! I love my family! It's always so fun when we all get together.

After dinner, I went to my ward's game night. We had a great time. While we were there, this great storm came through, so Brant, Katie & I decided to go up in the mountains and watch it from there. Oh my goodness that was a great decision on our part! The lightning was CRAZY! It just kept going and going and going! From every direction too! I wish I could show you pics of the amazing storm, but alas, I have none. Just know that it was probably one of the best storms I've ever seen. Plus I was in good company :).

So as you can tell, I had a very fun weekend - full of exciting things and no sleep. But it was worth it! Now on to another busy week, full of fun, friends, and family!