Grumpy

"When your friends have great news you're happy for them for like a millisecond and then you start thinking about yourself." - Ted Mosby (How I Met Your Mother)

The title of this post and that quote might at first not go together but let me explain.

I'm having one of those days where I definitely woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I'm wondering why I even bothered to get out of bed actually. I really should have just crawled back in, turned off the lights, and called in sick. I'm not getting any work done anyways...obviously.

But why am I so grumpy? Well, I'm not sure. But my grumpiness is making it harder to be happy for my friends who have good things going for them. Reading through blogs and browsing facebook today, I have been thrown into the happy lives of my friends - darling kids, new relationships, fun trips with friends, etc. And like that quote above says - I'm happy for them for like a millisecond and then I think about myself and realize that I don't have any of that going on and that my life is pretty crap right now.

Sure, from the outside my life isn't really that crap, but today it feels like it. It's just one of those days. I feel friendless, boyfriendless, and fat. So I'm going to be grumpy about all the good things going on in my friends' lives today. I'm going to throw a pity party for myself later complete with cookies and chocolate. Then I'll just have another thing to be grumpy about (being fatter). Oh well - I'll deal with that later.

So, if anyone out there is also having a crap day and needs to have a pity party, you are welcome to come over to my house tonight and be miserable with me. However, I hope everyone is having a better day than me (well...kind of...j/k! Haha!)

Tidal Wave

You know that ride at Lagoon - the Tidal Wave? I love that ride. For those who aren't familiar with it, it's a pirate ship that moves back and forth. So half the time you're going backwards and the other half you're moving forward. It might not sound like such a fun ride, but trust me it is. It gives your stomach that funny feeling that is so thrilling. Plus, when each end of the ship goes up, the riders on that side yell and throw their hands in the air.

Well...that's how my life has been the past 24 hours - except for the fun aspect. I jumped on this ride knowing that it wasn't going to be the best experience, but I didn't comprehend the emotional Tidal Wave I was putting myself on. Just right when I think all is right in the world, I get jerked backwards and my life is starting to flip upside down. Instead of cheers and yells at the top, there are tears. I don't see how things will work out and I lose it. After I calm down a bit, I begin to re-adjust my thinking and starting to plan things out. But just I'm coming to terms with things, BAM! I start going forward again.

I am thrown back into the situation I was in before getting pulled backwards. At the bottom there aren't yells (or tears) from me, more of a sigh of relief. Things are back to how I had originally planned, so all is right. I begin to thank the Lord for this new/old situation. But again, as soon as I get comfortable with that, I get thrown backwards.

Even though the Tidal Wave is a very fun ride, by the end I'm always ready to get off. After the thrill goes away, the nausea sets in. There's only so much going back and forth your stomach can handle before revolting. Well...I've gone through this emotional Tidal Wave about a half dozen times now and I can tell you I'M READY TO GET OFF THIS RIDE! Like my stomach, there is only so much my emotions can handle before revolting.

Right now I'm sitting at the bottom of the ride - back to the beginning so to speak. If I get pulled back another time, I might just throw up (emotionally speaking). And like it or not, whether I end up at the top of the ride or the bottom, I'm getting off. Let's just hope & pray I won't be jumping into that nasty lake water that surrounds the ship.

3 for 3

I don't like doctors.

Let me rephrase that...I don't like going to the doctor. I like doctors. I have 2 in my family and I love medicine. Plus, is there anything better than a young, hot, sexy (& single) doctor? I declare there is not.

Anyway...back to the purpose of this blog.

I don't go to the doctor. EVER. Even growing up we didn't go to the doctor unless absolutely necessary. For the most part, my mom would just nurse us better with foot rubs and a lot of TLC (tender loving care, not the TV channel). I only got physicals when they were required for drill team. So you can easily deduce that once I was out of high school I never had a reason to go to the doctor. If I ever did get sick enough to need a prescription, I would just call up my brother and he would get me what I needed.

So how did I end up with 3 appointments with 3 different doctors in 3 weeks? Well I'll tell you.

My "no doctor" policy remained in effect until THIS happened almost a year and a half ago.

Well, remember how I said that I was going to take care of my little problem? I finally did today. I went to a doctor. My doctor reassured me that most likely the lump was still a fibroadenoma. I was feeling good about things until she said that she recommends I get it removed because it was easily the largest lump she's come across - and she's seen a lot of lumps in her time (her exact words). I was planning on getting the monster removed anyway, but did she really need to tell me that she's never seen one as large as mine? Come on.

Anyway...I scheduled a mammogram and ultrasound for next week and surgery for the following week. That's right - 3 doctor's appointments in 3 weeks. I'm not really looking forward to the upcoming appointments, but it will be good to get this issue taken care of once and for all.

As a side note...I figured that while I was at it, I would get my full physical today since it had been approximately 10 years since my last one. Since I hadn't been to the doctor in so long, my doctor asked when the last time was that I had my tetanus shot. I couldn't remember. I figured it had been in high school. So I got one (that plus blood tests in one day is not good for me - I don't like needles). As I was driving to work later, the pain in my left arm reminded me of a few months ago when I was preparing to go to Costa Rica and I got a...wait for it...tetanus shot.

That's right - an immunization that you're supposed to get once every 10 years, I got 2 of in the SAME YEAR! Needless to say I got a little worried and immediately looked up what would happen if this happened. Result: possible painful swelling at the injection site & a headache. Well...I could have told you that one. My arm feels dead and is considerably larger than my right one, and the longer I sit here the more my head pounds. But good news - those are the only side effects they know of. I guess I can deal with them.

Awake Thinking

It's 1:45 am and I'm awake. Sad thing was, I actually fell asleep 2 hours ago - for like 10 min but still. Then I was awake just thinking.

This isn't a new phenomenon for me. I lie awake most nights thinking. It usually takes me an hour or so to fall asleep due to this thinking, but tonight the thinking made me more awake than I was when I started thinking. Man I hate these nights.

I started thinking about my lack of dating and worrying that I will never get married. I started to get pretty down. Then I recalled what was said in a movie I watched earlier tonight - "If you want a relationship, here is how you get one: it's called a Stairmaster."

No - it's not the most uplifting quote. But it did put a fire under my butt.

So here I was - 12:00 am, wide awake, feeling down, and I remember (1) the movie quote & (2) speaker from Sunday who talked about goal setting. So what did I do? Well...it's pretty self explanatory. I followed the guy's advice (I don't remember his name...sorry) and wrote down goals to get myself in better shape. I'm not saying I'm doing this just to get a guy - that'd be lame. But I'm hoping that it won't hurt ;) hehe.

So here it is - my new goal: lose 30 pounds by April 30, 2011.

What I hope to achieve by reaching my goal (other than a smaller waistline):
(1) healthier lifestyle
(2) more self-esteem

I know the next 6 months are not going to be that easy - especially with the holidays and yummy food/sweets. But I'm going to do it. I'll keep you posted on my progress.

One More Month = One More Year

Today is exactly one month from my birthday (Nov. 24 if you didn't want to figure that out on your own haha). I don't know why, but this birthday coming up is really hard for me. Normally it's the milestone birthdays that are hardest for people - 25, 30, 40...etc. But for some reason 27 is it for me.

I was fine with turning 25 - didn't care at all. Maybe that was because I was still considered a child by my friends in New York and being on the younger side of the group helped me feel that way too. Plus I was in Paris on my birthday and can you really have a bad birthday when it's in Paris? I think not.

26 wasn't too bad either. That was probably due to the fact that I was about to make a life changing move (quit PwC and come back to Utah), I was going to Costa Rica in the near future, spent my birthday with lots of friends who I love, and besides...26 doesn't sound THAT old.

But 27...

Man! That sounds OLD!!! I don't feel old, but I am (or I should say will be). Well...I actually do feel old sometimes. It's probably because I'm settled. I have a house. I have a job. I have set down roots. I never thought I'd be where I am now still not married. I figured that if I ever moved back to Utah and bought a house it would be with a husband and kids. If I were to ever think about what my life would be like at 27 (which I never did because who ever thinks about such a random age?) it wasn't what it is now. I'm not saying life is bad, it's just VERY different from what I ever wanted or thought would happen. So in that respect I do feel old...like an old maid.

I never truly understood why women would lie about their age and say they were younger than they really are. Until now. I've considered it. I've considered not letting anyone know it was my birthday and keep on pretending that I'm 26. And the next year, I'd do the same thing. Then maybe I could stay 26 for at least 5 more years (by then I might actually look 26 so then I guess I could start getting older). But in order to really pull that off I'd have to move to where I don't know anyone. And keep moving every year. I mean...everyone knows you're supposed to get older every year even if you don't actually celebrate a birthday.

But really...what am I saying? Move every year for the rest of my life just so that no body knows that I'm on old maid? That sounds ridiculous even to me. So I guess I'll just stay here, put on a happy face, and pretend that it's okay that I'm quickly becoming an old maid and that 27 is just another number - no different than 25 or 26.

Tonight I had the following conversation:

Woman: hi! My name is Jane (meaningful look given)
Me: I'm Kristy. I'm a friend of the family
(another meaningful look from 'Jane')
My friend: yep! Kristy was our tutor for about 5 years.
Woman: WHAT?!?!? You aren't old enough to have been their tutor!
Me: oh, well I'm 27 (ok...I'm ALMOST 27...but it's close enough)
Woman: oh my goodness! I thought you were 17! At most 18 (yeah that one year makes a BIG difference). Do you know how lucky you are? Seriously...you're sooooo lucky!

Haha! I get that I look younger than I am ALL the time, but this one was a good one! Just wanted to share.

When a salad isn't really a salad...

When you are feeling like eating healthy for lunch what do you grab? I grab a salad. That's healthy right?

WRONG!!!

This of course depends on where you go to get the Salad

Yep! You heard me. I learned the hard way today that my eating healthy was actually worse than going to  

McDonald's!

Here is the nutritional information from my lunch:

Calories: 685

Total Fat: 49.5g

Saturated Fat: 12g

Cholesterol:  85mg

Sodium: 1365mg

Sugar: 21g

* Nutritional information courtesy of Kneaders Bakery

I'm not making this stuff up.  

49.5g of FAT in a SALAD!!!!  

For comparison, here is the nutritional information for McDonald's Quarter Pounder w/ cheese (which I would never get bc it's so bad for you)

Calories: 510

Total Fat: 26g

Saturated Fat: 12g

Cholesterol: 90mg

Sodium: 1190mg

Sugar: 9g

*Nutritional Information courtesy of McDonald's

Luckily I had looked up the nutritional information before eating my salad so I was able to bypass the pecans (which are delicious, but contribute to the high calories, fat, and sugar). But I had already put on the dressing and so I couldn't take away those 24 g of fat and 240 calories. 

It kind of made me sick to think that one small salad could be so horrible for you! I felt like I have been swindled! I tried to be healthy, but now all I can think of is how long I'm going to have to run tonight at the gym to make up for my SALAD! I think that Utah should follow suit of New York and require restaurants to display the nutritional information. Then I would have known to ask for no pecans and no dressing.

So beware: not all salads are made equal

Reborn

I feel like I've been through a kind of re-birth as of late. And for those of you who have been around me you might be thinking to yourself "thank goodness! it's about time!" And I couldn't agree with you more. I feel like I've been in this dark place - I'll call "the womb". I've been kicking and screaming (ok babies in the womb don't actually scream...that would be creepy...but I have been, so just go with it) and I've hurting those around me (I've never been pregnant, but I'm pretty sure those kicks from inside are often quite painful). But I feel like my gestation period is over and I've come out a new me.

Let me explain...

For the past...oh...couple of months almost, I've been this alternate Kristy. For those of you who watch Fringe (and for those of you who don't - you should!) it was like I've been Walternet for the past while - this other Kristy from a parallel universe. It's like alternate Kristy crossed over and imprisoned the real Kristy somewhere she couldn't get out (like in a cell with no lights on). (I apologize - I just watched last season's finale of Fringe yesterday and dreamed about being in an alternate world all night - so it's kind of on my mind).

Anyway, like Walternet, I don't like this other Kristy. She's mean. She's judgmental. She's anti-social. She's really anti-everything and everyone. She's quiet. She's sad. She's angry. In short - she's not me.

Well...she is me. But not who I want to be.

Like I was saying...

I've been this other person. But I feel like I'm FINALLY getting out of it! I think my "funk" is finally starting to end which hopefully means I am returning to the fun and happy Kristy. The Kristy people like (including myself).

And what has caused this change? Well I pretty much can chalk it all up to a great Relief Society teacher and an excellent example. And of course my Heavenly Father. I don't really want to go into all the details, but it was through a RS lesson the other week that I really began to realize something was missing from my life and that I needed to change. But being the stubborn person that I am it took a few more inspired RS lessons to really sink in. And then the constant example of a roommate helped me see what I needed to do. Finally, and most importantly, the Lord was, and is, there to help me become a better person. To help me be kinder, happier, more fun...the Kristy I want to be.

I wish that I could really just start anew. But I know there are hurt feelings in the wake alternate Kristy left behind, and the real Kristy is left to fix things. But while I'm trying to make things better, I'm also thinking of it as a time to start over in the areas that I can (such as exercising, reading my scriptures, praying, etc.). Instead of focusing on all the things that I've failed at lately, I'm going to try extra hard to only focus on the future and what I can do to succeed. I really am thinking of this as a re-birth of a brand new me.

Inspired

Today I was privileged to attend the YWCA LeaderLuncheon. There were over 1200 people in attendance - most very accomplished women. I felt so privileged to be in their presence. They honored a number of women who have done a lot for the community. It made me feel like I don't do enough good in the world. I wanted to be like these women who put in so much time and effort into helping other people. I feel like most of my time and effort goes into helping me. And who's happier do you think? They are. The ones helping others. They are much happier.

The keynote speaker was Jeannette Walls, author of The Glass Castle and Half Broke Horses. She is an amazing woman. She's had a very different life from me - one I would call difficult. But the things she's been able to do, the lives she's been able to touch, the life she's made for herself out of literally nothing is truly inspiring. I wish that I could write down all the things she said today. It was really inspiring.

She told stories about her life, but more importantly, she told what she learned from those experiences. She said how she used to be ashamed of her past - didn't want anyone to know about her life growing up. She thought the friends she had made and the job she had acquired would all go away if her true self were discovered. She tried to hide herself from the world. She moved to NYC to become a new person, only to be followed there by the very people she was running away from.

She finally discovered, after seeing her mom homeless on the street, that she didn't need to forget her family, but she needed to forgive. Not her family, but herself. She didn't like the person she had become - hiding from her mom, scared that someone would find out who that homeless person was. Even though her mom was homeless and Jeannette was living in an apartment on Park Ave, it was her mom who was happy. Her mom is the eternal optimist. She never saw herself as homeless - she had a home - it was under the George Washington Bridge.

I could go on and on about the stories she told and the lessons that she learned. But I won't. I seriously wish all of you could have been there. I was truly inspired by Jeannette Walls and her story. Even though her childhood was terrible and I'd NEVER want what she went through, I found myself being jealous of her. Not jealous of the fame or the money or the worldly success, but she knows exactly who she iss. And more importantly, she's happy with who she is. She's successful in the ways that I want to be.

All the women that spoke today are successful in the same way. They have lived amazing lives. They have touched others' lives. When they depart from this world, they will be remembered. They have been loved and more importantly they have loved.

Anyway...the point of this post was just to say that I wish I were more like these women. I was truly inspired by what was said today and I hope that one day I can feel like I belong in their presence. I hope that one day someone can say that I have touched their life for the better. I want to make a difference. But I think, first, I need to follow Jeannette Walls' lead and forgive myself. Not for wanting to forget my past necessarily, but for other things. I don't always like myself and I think that is the main thing I need to forgive myself for. I need to learn to love myself and then maybe one day I can hopefully love others as much as these wonderful women today love those around them.

How Did I Ever Do It?

Today is Friday. So that would normally mean that I wouldn't be working, right? WRONG! Because of the tax deadline that is coming up on Sept. 15, I have been working for the past couple of Fridays. It's been pretty busy around here and I probably shouldn't be blogging right now, but I need a mental break while I eat lunch.

So now that I've had to go back to working 5 days a week I'm really wondering how I used to do it. It's hard! I get so ready to be done with work by the time Thursday afternoon comes along that it's really hard for me to get out of bed Friday mornings. Oh - and I didn't even have work on Monday due to Labor Day and it was still hard this morning. I think it's a mentality thing.

Money-wise I'm going to really enjoy working an extra day each week and I kind of wish it would last longer than just through the tax deadlines (Oct. 15 is the last one until April). But physically and emotionally I miss my extra day off each week.

Plus the days I have worked this week have been long ones. Not NYC PwC long, but ya know - 10 hour days. But that also makes me wonder how I was able to put in those long hours at PwC for over 2 years. I can't imagine working a 18 hour day right now. The thought makes me tired.

Well...I know this post was really pointless and maybe didn't even make sense, but I felt like I needed to write down my thoughts. So there you have it.

A Little Let Down

You know when you have something big & fun planned it's not going to turn out exactly the way you want it to. No matter how much planning you may do, things will inevitably not be perfect.

People who say they are coming won't show up.

Good friends will leave after only an hour and not say good-bye or thank you.

You are tired and have PMS.

The friend you're introducing to everyone doesn't feel welcomed.

When everyone finally leaves you wonder why you even bothered throwing that party. Did anyone even have fun?

You promise yourself that it's going to be a while before the next party you host. 

I'm not saying my weekend was bad...I was just a little let down - that's all.

I Have Done Some Cool Stuff

I, like most people, can be pretty hard on myself. I often look at my life and complain about all I don't have or haven't done. But as I was reading my friend Katie's blog post about things she has accomplished in her life, I started thinking about all that I have done in mine. I must say that I've done some pretty cool things. So here is my list of great things I've done in the past 26 1/2 years (ok...we're not going back THAT far.)

1. Awarded Academic Allstate for Drill Team
2. Graduated in the top 10% of my high school class
3. Received multiple trophies for dance competitions - both group and solo
4. Won 1st place at the drill down competition at region
5. Got 1st place in every dance at region
6. Sang a solo as the Olympic torch came to my school for the 2002 Olympics
7. Struck out one of the top athletes in the 6th grade (when I was in 6th grade ps)
8. Got my Masters of Accountancy from one of the top schools in the nation
9. Did a study abroad in Europe where we visited 7 countries in 4 weeks
10. Did an internship in NYC at one of the largest accounting firms
11. Worked for that same accounting firm for 2 1/2 years in NYC
12. Received an early promotion
13. I have less than 10 places left on my "must visit" list
14. Lived in Costa Rica for 6 weeks while volunteering my time to work with kids
15. Bought a car all on my own
16. Bought a HOUSE all on my own
17. Made friends from all over the world
18. Ran a 5K
19. Learned how to snowboard
20. Learned how to wakeboard
21. Learned how to surf
22. Received an award for excellent work at PwC
23. Listed in the Who's Who of Collegiate Scholars
24. Was a vegetarian for 6 months (I REALLY like meat so this was a BIG accomplishment)
25. Got a tatoo
26. Went to some events for the World Cup in Germany in 2006 (I was in Berlin)
27. Ate escargot, oxtail, caviar, foie gras, and other scary foreign food
28. Saw a flamenco dance in Spain
29. Fed the birds at Trafalgar Square (like in Mary Poppins)
30. Been to over 50 Broadway shows (this includes plays I've seen multiple times)
31. Was hypnotized during half-time at a Utah Jazz game
32. Hiked Angel's Landing
33. Survived a bear encounter
34. Won multiple medals and ribbons for swimming and diving (when I was young)
35. All the countries I've been to: Mexico, Canada, Costa Rica, Germany, England, Switzerland, Austria, Spain, France, Czech Republic, Poland, and Belize (I think that's it. I might have missed one or two)
36. Learned what it means to have a broken heart
37. Gained a testimony of Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father
38. Learned how to be a good friend, sister & daughter (and hopefully one day a wife & mother)
39. Read the Book of Mormon
40. Learned that I'm a daughter of a Heavenly Father who loves me

Wow! When I look at this list I realize how much I really have accomplished in my life so far! It's really cool to think back on all I've done. There are definitely still a lot of things I want to do before I leave this earth, but no one could ever say I didn't do anything with my life when I have a list like that!

And My Answers Are...

First - thanks to everyone who played along. You totally entertained me! I loved reading your answers.

Second - I figured I needed to answer as well. So here you have it:

Round 1:
M - Patrick Dempsey. I really have a thing for him. I think he would make me happy for eternity.
D - Ryan Reynolds. He's hot AND funny. Love him!
K - Bradley Cooper. Oh that one hurts. I have such a crush on him. Can I at least make out with him before I kill him?

Round 2:
M - NY. We all know how obsessed I am with NYC
D - London. I could totally live there for a few years. Then move back to NY to live out my days.
K - Paris. Been there. Done that. It's great. I love it. But I think it's the whole language barrier that gets me.

Round 3:
M - 30 Rock. SO SO FUNNY! Love it!
D - Community. I love this show! But I have to say it was really hard to decide between the last 2...I think my love for Joel McHale made Community come out on top.
K - Big Bang Theory. Oh this hurts. I really love that show.

Round 4:
M - Ice cream. I can never get enough.
D - Cookies. YUM!! PS...cookies + ice cream is my FAVORITE dessert
K - Brownies. Good...but not not as wonderful as the others

Round 5:
M - Selena Gomez. She's adorable!
D - Miley Cyrus. I'll admit that I'm a total fan!
K - Demi Lavato. I like her too...I've just had a longer relationship with Miley so I had to pick her over Demi. Plus I like Hannah Montana more than Sunny with a Chance. (oh - PS...Demi's also in Camp Rock & she used to date Joe Jonas - that one's for you Shannon)

There you have it. My answers to these MDK's.

Entertain Me PLEASE!!

I came into work today and have NOTHING to do. That's right. 

NOTHING. 

I have one return on my desk...but I've actually completed it. I'm keeping it in front of me so I feel like I actually have something to do in between my blogging, chatting, and internet surfing. 

Ugh! Why did I even come in today - oh yeah...

 I NEED MONEY!

Why can't money grow on tress like I used to pretend it did?

Anyway...

I need to be entertained. And if you know me well you will know that I loved to be entertained by a great game I like to call MDK (marry, date, kill for those who aren't familiar with this).

Here are the rules - yes...there are rules because this is audience participation time:

1 - I list 3 things/people and YOU have to decide 

which one you will marry, 

which one you will date, 

and which one you will kill.

2 - You MUST marry, date, and kill something

3 - There are no affairs allowed in this game

That's it! Simple enough, right?

Round one:

Bradley Cooper

Ryan Reynolds

Patrick Dempsey

Round two:

New York

London

Paris

Round three:

30 Rock

Community

The Big Bang Theory

Round four:

Cookies

Ice cream

Brownies

Round five:

 Selena Gomez

Demi Lovato

Miley Cyrus

Let the games begin!

When you post your answers also include the reasons behind your decision :)

I Need to Start Training

For this:

my first 10-K...

IN MUD!!!!

The Dirty Dash 2010

I have one month and 22 days!!!

 

(pictures courtesy of www.thedirtydash.com)

In a Funk

I don't know why, but I feel like I've kind of been in a funk lately. It's kind of hard to explain what I mean by that, but I guess simply put I haven't really felt like myself. I've felt withdrawn - not really wanting to see anyone. When I do see my friends I'm quiet and shy. It's like I don't know what to say to these people I've become really good friends with. I feel awkward - almost like it's my first time hanging out with them.

I don't think I'm depressed. I've been there before and it was a lot worse than where I am right now. But I'm not happy. I'm not sad though either. I'm kind of just there. Living my life. Going through the motions. Not really feeling much. Sure I've had my moments when I've been happy and others when I've been sad. But for the most part, the past couple of weeks I've felt kind of like an emotionless zombie.

I haven't really wanted to be around people who know me well. I think partly because I know they will notice something is off and I don't want them to think that it's them. I also thought that if I took a break from my friends it would get me out of this funk quicker. But I haven't wanted to totally cut out my friends so I've tried to be social - just not as social as I was a few weeks ago.

I've done my best to put on a happy face when I'm with people or talking with them either through text or gchat. When people ask me how I am I usually say that I'm doing well. I try to act engaged in the group - talking when I'm supposed to, laughing at things that are funny, asking the right questions when someone has a story to tell. But it's all been an act. I've thought that if I kept playing along, then hopefully it would stop being and act and I could go back to my normal, cheerful, funny, and caring self. It hasn't worked.

But last night as I was getting ready for bed it hit me that I wasn't just having a funk with my social life, but with my spiritual life as well. OK...I knew this before last night, but it dawned on me last night that the two are probably related.

I haven't been that diligent in my scripture reading or prayers. I haven't had a strong desire to go to church and when I'm there it takes a lot of effort from my friends to keep me there - but I'm not focused on what is being taught. I go church because I know that's what I'm supposed to do. I feel like the church has become more of a social vehicle for me and since I haven't really had a desire to be social, I've had no real desire for church.

I know what I need to do - to fix my spiritual funk at least. I need to start reading my scriptures. I need to start praying. I need to grow closer to my Heavenly Father. This I know...the problem is actually doing it.

So I'm going to make a challenge for myself (that seems the only way I've been getting things done lately...make it a challenge). Today is Aug. 2. That means there are 5 months until the end of the year. In the next 5 months I'm going to read the entire Book of Mormon. In theory this shouldn't be hard - seeing as I've already read 1.5 books this past week. But in reality I know I'm going to struggle with it. That's why I'm putting this challenge on my blog - I have to be held accountable for this or I never will do it.

I'm hoping that by starting out with reading the Book of Mormon I will have more motivation to get down on my knees and pray. Then hopefully that will get me to want to go to church. And maybe this all can get me out of this funk.

As I was coming up with this plan last night before I went to bed, I was reminded of President Gordon B. Hinckley when he quoted his father's wise words: "forget yourself and go to work." So I'm going to try and do just that.

Lastly...for those friends who I have been pushing out of my life I'm sorry. I do love and care about you...but just be patient with me for a bit longer.

Boys Boys Boys

I've realized something has changed in me lately. I've become almost obsessed with boys. I've never been a boy crazy girl. Not even in high school. Yes, I've wanted to date and to one day find the man I'm going to marry. But lately, I feel like it's almost taking over my life.

And I don't like it!

I liked a couple of boys when I first moved back to Utah. One boy I dated for a couple of months, but it fizzled out and I haven't talked to him for a while. The other boy I liked for a longer time. We never dated, but we hung out all the time - and we still do. We've become friends, but the interest has faded (for the most part). He's a great guy and to be honest, if he asked me out I would definitely say yes. But for now he's moved into the friend box.

But now that I'm not interested in anyone I feel like I should be. Like I said earlier, I've never been like that before. Yes, sometimes I had the errant thought of "I wish I liked someone" but I feel like that's almost a daily thing I say lately. I feel almost guilty that I don't like anyone and every guy I see I think to myself "could I be interested in him? should he be the one I like?"

Again...I don't like it!

I feel like I'm putting so much pressure on me to find someone to date. It's not fair to myself!

I don't know why I'm putting this pressure on me either. It's not like I'm the type of person to really struggle with falling for someone. I usually am one to fall pretty fast (and hard). But sometimes it takes a while between my interests - which I'm usually ok with.

So...I'm going to try to be more like how I used to be. I like that more relaxed person I once was (well...more relaxed when it comes to boys). Maybe it's because I was just so dang busy with other things that I've never really been able to dwell on boys as much (dance, singing, school, work, etc.).

How am I going to do that? Well I'm going to stop worrying about the fact that I'm NOT interested in anyone at this time. I'm going to not seek out someone to like. I'm going to focus on becoming better friends with the guys (and girls) I already know, as well as meeting new people for the sole purpose of becoming friends.

Don't get me wrong...if I do start liking someone I'm not going to NOT like them because of this new focus of mine. I'm just so sick of the fact that I'm not interested in anyone being at the forefront of my mind, I need to focus on other things. I know it's not going to be as easy at it may seem (what with friends and family constantly bombarding me with the questions of if I'm dating someone or who I'm liking nowadays). But I'm going to do my best :)

Busy Busy Busy

I had a VERY busy week last week.What started out as a fairly normal week (work, FHE, Bachelorette, SYTYCD...the usual) finished with a bang! On Thursday I was sitting at work keeping busy with 990's until lunch when it suddenly hit me that I was moving into my house this weekend and had A LOT to do. So...after I finished what I was working on, I headed to Ikea to pick up a dresser and other things I needed for my new place. Then I went home, changed into grubby clothes and headed...well...home. Haha! Luckily my dad was feeling generous and offered to come help me put together me dresser even though he DETESTS Ikea and he was in the middle of planning his Sunday school lesson.

I was SO glad he was there. After already spending a lot of time putting the stupid dresser together, we realized that something was wrong...one of the boards had been drilled/painted incorrectly so it was showing the unpainted side instead of the nice, black painted side. After a lot of grumbles and comments of how stupid Ikea is and how it's the worst place in the world, my dad drove to the hardware store to pick up some wood glue so that we could finish putting it together. Man - that thing took a LOT longer to put together than I had planned on. It's a good thing it's really cute :)

But I wasn't finished for the night after that. Kacee came down and we cleaned and scrubbed the house until midnight! It was a lot of hard work, but I was grateful I had Kacee there to do it with me. I was exhausted and very ready for bed by the time I got to my parents' house.

Then Friday was moving day! I woke up bright and early with the realization that I had only 3 boxes packed (purses, coats, and scarves/hats/gloves). Thankfully my nieces were there to help me. They were so excited when I said that I had a lot of packing to do! We got big black garbage sacks which they diligently stuffed with clothes from my floor (don't judge) and drawers. We quickly got my whole room packed and ready to go. They were like little packing machines! It was great!

Then the real fun began. My car was stuffed with my belongings and my dad even had to take some down in his truck. After unloading this first load, we headed to Orem to pick up my bed. It's a great bed. I love it. It's beautiful. It's very comfortable. It's great. But on Friday I kind of hated it. It's big. It's heavy. It killed my right foot when the corner dug into it...twice. It didn't fit (laying down) in my dad's truck so we had to switch thing around a few times. The mattress almost flew out of the back of the truck going over the point of the mountain (I almost made my niece reach her hand out the window to hold it). And it wasn't any easier getting it into my house.

Oh -  did I mention that it was also the hottest day of the year and my dad's truck registered 104? Yeah...

Then there was the couch to move in. Thankfully my brother-in-law and a friend came to help get that one into my house. My dad and I never would have been able to. It was heavier and harder to manipulate that the bed.

We also had bookcases to build, walls to scrub, floors to vacuum, floors to sweep & mop, boxes to unpack, things to buy so the furniture didn't scratch my wood floors, etc.

Around 8pm - after a long day of moving and cleaning, my parents and niece decided they had had enough and were done for the day. I had had enough too, but I was being left in a disaster (only one bookcase built, couch on it's side awaiting felt pads, dust bunnies galore on my wood floors, no boxes unpacked, things every where, and a list of necessities to buy). My mom said she hated to leave me in that state...but she still left. They all left. And I left to Walmart to pick up the necessities.

But on the way I broke. I mean...I really broke. I sobbed. I screamed. I ranted. I raged. I listened to angry music because that's how I was feeling. I cried the whole way to Walmart. There were still tears in my eyes as I walked into the store, grabbed a cart, pulled out my shopping list and headed down the aisle. Man - all I have to say is retail therapy works people! I mean REALLY works!

By the time I left Walmart I was no longer crying, and I had a new resolve to put together the bookcase by myself and maybe even start unpacking some boxes. It also helped that I knew I had Ben & Jerry's ice cream (Half Baked), chips w/ salsa con queso, and a good chick flick awaiting me when I finished things on my to do list. Well...I put that bookcase together, uprighted my couch, put a few things away, then settled in to watch When In Rome with my two best friends - ice cream & salsa con queso - even though it was 11:30 pm. It was a great way to end a very long, tiring, frustrating, and physically and emotionally draining day.

Saturday went much better. I still had a lot of things to do around my house. I still hadn't unpacked any boxes and my hung up clothes were still at my parents house. I also had a laundry list of things I needed to buy. Plus my house was still a mess. So I woke up early and started cleaning. I vacuumed, swept, mopped, etc. I then headed up to my parents' house to get the rest of my clothes and belongings and to enlist my mom's help in my shopping.

While going through my closet we found some great treasures. My NBA All-Star Weekend T-shirt of 1993, mine and Kacee's basket ball cards (John Stockton, Carl Malone & Scotty Pippin were just some of the cards I pulled out at random...we have a few boxes full of them), posters of old Jazz teams (from late 80's and early 90's), posters of teen stars from my junior high years (circa Jonathan Taylor Thomas era), old photos of my friends and me from way back when, and much more. We were laughing so hard.

Then there was work to do. We loaded all my stuff into my car, unloaded all my belongings and then headed out to do some shopping. I picked up a vacuum, slip cover for my couch, paint for my wall (the guy at the painting store probably thought my mom and I were idiots from all the questions we asked him...but whatever), some household items, and few items of food. Then I headed home for some more cleaning and organizing before I headed out for the night with friends.

Thank goodness I have friends. I needed a break from house stuff for a night desperately!! We went and saw Inception starring Leonardo DiCaprio. It was AMAZING! SO GOOD! LOVED IT! MIND BLOWN! Oh - and did I mention that we also went to Nielsen's Frozen Custard and I got a chocolate oreo concrete...yum!!

Then on Sunday night I had friends over for a friend's birthday party. It was fun. We played Battle of the Sexes, and even though we "tied" the girls actually won because the guys insisted there is too big a difference between "alternate" and "alternating" and therefore we got the answer wrong. Dumb guys. People were over to my house until almost midnight.

Needless to say, I am VERY tired this morning from such a crazy week last week. But I have to say I came away from it pretty well off. Sure I have a lot of bruises and some scrapes (the biggest bruise being from the vacuum falling on me while vacuuming the stairs). But my house is looking pretty good and I had a fun Saturday and Sunday. But...I am kind of hoping this week will be a little less eventful.

PS - I promise one of these days I will post pictures from my trip to NY and Moab.
PPS - And I will post pics of the new house soon as well. I don't have internet at my home so I can't upload anything at this time.
PPPS - that whole 30-day shred & no sugar thing kind of flew out the window with all the mayhem that was my life last week. But I am starting a new today. Wish me luck!!

2 Down...28 To Go

A few friends and I have decided to challenge each other with Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred.

Today was day 2 for me. I have to say that Jillian definitely knows how to kick my butt - even when she's not actually in the room, in my face, yelling at me. It's only a 20 minute video, but each time I've come away feeling like I've worked out for at least an hour. I don't know how she does it...but it's a killer work out.

And I'm only on Level 1!!

But even though I've got the exercise plan all set, I now need to work on eating better. Today was a BAD day when it came to food and if I'm going to shred any poundage I need to change that. So tomorrow I'm going to start back up on Weight Watchers and might even go to a meeting (I'm a little scared for the meeting to be honest).

Other things I'm going to do: start bringing a healthy lunch to work every day instead of eating out with the boys. Go off sweets (cookies, cakes, chocolate, ice cream, soda, etc) for the next 28 days (while I'm doing this 30 day shred thing...even though I definitely ate sugar today). Drink more water throughout the day to help suppress cravings.

My goal is to go from this:

To this:

Wish me luck!!!

PS - Thanks Melissa for forcing me to exercise tonight even though it was 11:45pm and I was tired. I needed it! Keep up the support and peer pressure :)

"It's the safest thing you'll have between your legs"

This line from "Girls Just Want to Have Fun" was going through my mind during my first ever motorcycle ride. That's right. I have gone 26 years and never ridden a motorcycle...UNTIL NOW! I was pretty excited. It was a lot of fun and I got to see a beautiful Bountiful sunset.

In other news - my diet is starting NOW (didn't really do a good job on the whole eating good today...so I'm starting again). I'm planning on even going to the gym tomorrow morning! We'll see if that really happens though - I'm pretty tired tonight.

Last news of the night...I've done a few great trips in the past couple of weeks which have been a BLAST! I'll post pictures and details sometime in the near future.

Oh wait...very last news of the night - the house if officially mine! I move in this week!!!! I'm super excited! I wish I could just blink and have all my stuff already there and in a place, but that won't be happening. It's going to be a very busy week for me. But it'll be a good busy.

Anyway, that's it for the day. Peace out!

All I know

...is that I'm starting my diet RIGHT NOW!

The end.

100 Things About Me

My friend Melissa did this on her blog, and I thought it looked fun. So here you go - 100 random things about me:

1 - I don't have a middle name. But when I was younger I wanted one, so I made one up. It's Lee. I made people actually call me Lee for a little bit, but it didn't stick. Sometimes the family still calls me Kristy Lee though.
2 - I like my work. But to be honest, I'd rather not have to work ever.
3 - I miss my old life basically every day; but I'm loving my new life at the same time. I wish I could have both.
4 - I cry a lot. Movies, TV shows, & books make me cry all the time. So does real life. And if someone is crying around me, you can bet there will be tears in my eyes.
5 - I have a temper. I don't lose it too often anymore, but when I do...WATCH OUT!
6 - I am one of the most non-confrontational people I know. I'm trying to be better at this.
7 - I get anxiety whenever I have to answer the phone. So most times I don't.
8 - My dream is to sing and dance on Broadway.
9 - My sister told me once that she pictured me getting married when I was older, after graduating from college, and living on my own for a while - maybe even owning my own house. I was really hurt and upset about that.
10 - Growing up everyone called me Kris. But now, when someone calls me Kris outside of my family it throws me a little.
11 - I wish I were a little more like Elizabeth and less like Kitty.
12 - I wish I had stayed better friends with people I grew up with.
13 - When I fall for someone I fall fast and hard.
14 - I laugh a lot. And loud. I like my laugh...though I get self-conscious when people comment on it.
15 - Sometimes I feel I stopped aging at 14.
16 - I am officially a homeowner, although I won't be moving in until July 15!!
17 - I worry that I'm never going to get married and have a family.
18 - I like shopping. I have a lot of clothes and bags and shoes. In fact - I'm going to have a whole closet just for my shoes and bags in my new house (plus a double closet for my clothes)!
19 - I become addicted to things easily. Other than religious reasons, this is why I've never been tempted to drink or do drugs. I think I'd be hooked after the first time.
20 - I've been at work for almost 2 hours now and the only thing I've done is blog and deal with house issues. (this was on Thursday...it's taken me a while to finish this post)
21 - I read Mike Posner's "Cooler Than Me" lyrics and now I'm scared people think that about me.
22 - I can be a real "blond" sometimes.
23 - I'll admit that I'm a little OCD about some things. But I think most people are.
24 - I just saw a picture of a dog-human hybrid and it scared me.
25 - I'm thinking I'm not going to make it to 100
26 - I love chick flicks. But I also really like a good action movie. Basically I love movies.
27 - I just ate way too much for dinner. That usually happens to me on Fast Sundays
28 - I want to be in love.
29 - If there was a movie made about my life, I would want Zooey Deschanel to play me. I kind of wish I were her.
30 - I love reading.
31 - Almost every day I tell myself that I'm going to start eating better and exercising "tomorrow"
32 - I love traveling. I think it'd be a lot of fun to be a tour guide...then I could see really cool places.
33 - I'm the youngest of 6 kids. All my siblings are married and have kids - 16 nieces and nephews in all. When we all get together it's quite an impressive group.
34 - I was born on Thanksgiving day. So was my older sister Corrine. My dad was bummed that he missed out on 2 Thanksgiving dinners.
35 - I love the 4th of July & fireworks.
36 - I'm addicted to my phone - not that a lot of people call or text me, but I have to have it with me at all times.
37 - My favorite soda is Dr. Pepper.
38 - I have a hard time making decisions.
39 - I used to wear a lot more jewelry than I do now.
40 - The days where I should wear more makeup are the days when I don't want to wear any at all.
41 - I love my car.
42 - Sweet or salty? I choose both
43 - I'm a city girl.
44 - I tried being a vegetarian. I didn't eat meat for over 3 months.
45 - I love meat - steak, burgers, chicken, pork, hotdogs...
46 - I wish I were better at sports.
47 - I miss dancing every day.
48 - I wish I were more confident.
49 - People who do nice things for strangers make me happy.
50 - I wish I were a better person.

Ok - I'm done. I can't think of anymore. So I'm going to finish with only 50 things about me. I hope that's ok.

One More Thing to Look Forward to...NOT!!!

I remember the day I first felt it - that hard lump. I remember the sinking feeling that came over me. I saw my grandma in her last days, maybe 80 lbs and so thin I could see her heart beating in her chest. I remembered the pain she was in. I remembered the pain my mom was going through having to see her mom in that condition. I was heartbroken that she would have to go through that again. I thought: this cannot be happening to me. I'm only 25!

It was one year ago. I was in Palo Alto, sitting on my friend's bed. We'd just had a wonderful weekend together. It was the last day of my vacation. I had been having heart burn for 3 days straight and was holding my chest in pain when I first noticed something was wrong: a fairly large lump in my left breast. I was in shock! I didn't know what to do. Do I tell my friend? Do I call my mom? Do I book an oncologist? What do I do?

I didn't want to worry my mom - not yet anyway. I got in the shower to clear my head and just cried and cried. I was so scared! Somehow I made it through the remainder of my stay without breaking down to my friend - I wasn't ready for people to know. But as I was driving to the airport I couldn't hold it in any longer. I called my mom. Thankfully she knew just what to do: when I got back to NY I was to find a doctor and have it checked out. She was sure that it wasn't cancer and that it was most likely just a fibrous growth - something she had dealt with herself. I felt a little better.

The next day I called in to work sick. I booked a doctor's appointment and braced myself for the bad news. Two doctors and two ultrasounds later, it turns out my mom was right. I had a large fibrous growth - not cancerous. But the doctor wanted me to get a biopsy to make sure.

Five months later I finally got that biopsy (I blame work). The result: fibroadenoma. The doctor who did the biopsy said I didn't even need to get it removed - unless it bothered me to have it there. I said it was something I could deal with and left it at that.

Now, seven months later, with the mass about doubled in size, I have decided to get it removed. Am I scared? I'M TERRIFIED!!! I've never had surgery before (unless you count getting my wisdom teeth removed, which I don't). What if after they remove the lump my boobs look all funny & lopsided? (sorry boys who might be reading this if that makes you uncomfortable - but it's a fact of life) And while the biopsy came back negative for cancer seven months ago, it doesn't mean that it hasn't turned into something more serious (part of the reason I've decided on getting it removed). What if they go in to remove the lump and find out that I'm full of cancerous cells?

I don't have a surgery date set - I don't even know which doctor I'll go to. But I just know that it'll be going down in the next little while. Maybe it can be a little 'welcome to your new home' gift to myself! Hahaha! Yep - just one more thing to look forward to this summer.

My Next Two Weeks

I must first apologize to my friends who I talk to all the time who are reading this blog. You already know all about what I'm going to say and I'm sure you're sick of hearing me talk about it. But I'm excited about what the next couple of weeks brings so you have two options: A) stop reading now, or B) deal with it :)

However, for all my other friends reading this blog who I'm not in constant contact with, there are two things happening: 1) visiting NYC, PA & possibly VA; and 2) moving!

VACATION

On Friday night, I'm hopping on an airplane to my old home and I couldn't be more excited! I've been missing NYC since I left. I miss my friends. I miss Central Park. I miss Broadway shows. I miss walking around everywhere. I miss the freedom of being on my own. I miss...well...I miss the city!

I don't have much planned for while I'm there, but my small list includes:
* at least one Broadway show
* Shakespeare in the Park
* Good Morning America concert (Miley Cyrus is coming)
* Shopping (oh...the shopping!!!)
* Pink Berry
* Hanging out with friends

Since all my friends have to work during the day (go figure!) I'll probably spend most of my time in Central Park, shopping, going to museums, and walking around in the heat and humidity. Haha!

But my trip doesn't stop there. After spending about a week in NYC, I'm going to take a train to PA to see my favorite person! I'm only going to have a few days with Jo, but we'll make it fun (we always do!). Plus she'll be out here soon and then I'll be able to see her every day! There is also a concert in VA that Jo's friends want to go to so we might be venturing there as well. One of the many blessings of traveling by yourself and visiting friends - you can do whatever you want that comes up! I love it!

MOVING

I've moved plenty of times in my life - every year for the past 8 years actually. And when it comes down to it...moving SUCKS! I actually hate moving. All that packing, and unpacking. The expense of needing to buy new things. The hassle of it all! Ugh!

So why am I so excited this time? Well I'll tell you. It's because I've bought a house! That's right...A FREAKING HOUSE! My own permanent dwelling. I get to change my address on my checkbook and not have to worry that it's going to be different in a year. I get to paint my walls how ever I want and not have to worry about getting my landlord's permission. I can buy nice furniture that all matches and make my house into a real HOME! And the best part is - I get to share it with my best friend!

So...you're probably wondering about this house. Well, let me tell you all about it.

It's actually Chase & Kacee's house (my brother-in-law & sister). It's in Woods Cross (so I get to stay in my current ward - even though technically I'm outside the boundaries). I have friends that live just down the street from me. It's a three bedroom, three bathroom split level house. We have 3 entertainment areas (formal sitting room, middle TV room, and theater room downstairs). The kitchen is good size. There is a large crawl space downstairs that has already been lovingly termed "the love den" by my friends (inside joke). And I have a pretty good size back yard (perfect for BBQ's and laying out - that reminds me...I need to buy a grill). I can already tell it's going to become the party house - and I'm totally OK with that.

Needless to say, I'm excited for all the things happening in the next two weeks! There will be plenty of pictures to post soon! Yay!!

Camping

I figured that since I was on a roll of posting pictures I should keep going...so more picture overload! Woo hoo!

One thing that I've had to get used to with my new friends is their love for outdoorsy things (e.g. hiking & camping). I'm not saying that my NY friends didn't enjoy the outdoors, it's just there isn't too much hiking done in NYC. Our being out in nature is walking through Central Park. But luckily I grew up backpacking and camping, so it hasn't been too difficult to get used to.

On that note...last weekend, some friends and I decided to go camping up by the B (for those of you not familiar with Utah...we put up large letters to represent schools on the side of the mountain: B for Bountiful, Y for BYU, etc - the other schools aren't really worth mentioning haha). It had been YEARS since I had even been up by the B and I had no idea there were camp sites up there. But there are!

KC and Melissa went up a little early and got camp all set up (thanks guys!)

So when my car arrived there wasn't much to be done besides building a fire.

 (Kellan working on the fire with his pokey fire stick)

 (I just thought this picture was really cool)

Once the fire was up and going, we roasted hot dogs and starbursts and enjoyed the great outdoors.

 KC, Traci, and Melissa

 

I taught them how to play MDK (a fan favorite back in NYC) and I have to say that my friends can use a little practice ;). But in their defense it was their first exposure to the game.

We didn't stay around the fire until very late because it started raining pretty hard. So we put out the fire and got into the tent. Once we were all settled, the rain stopped...of course!

The next morning we all woke up pretty early (I wonder why...Melissa...JK!) but just hung out in the tent for a while. Eventually we decided to actually get up and eat some breakfast and start another fire. Unfortunately the firewood got a little wet from the rain, so Kellan had a little trouble starting it up. Thankfully Traci stepped in to help :)

We ended up with more of a smoke pit instead of an actual fire, but it was OK because it was pretty warm when the sun came out.

After hanging out for a bit, we packed up and headed back down the mountain. As we came around a corner, this is the sight that greeted us:

Yeah...I'm starting to really like being back in Utah.

Memorial Day in Zion

Wow! Has it really been three weeks since Memorial Day? I guess it has. Well...I guess better late than never in posting these pictures, right?

For Memorial Day, 5 friends and I went down to Zion Nation Park & St. George to get in a little hiking and relaxation to celebrate our day off (and those who have served so faithfully for our country of course).

 (The group waiting to catch the shuttle - Melissa, KC, me, Kellan, Eric & Kirsten)

We left super early on Saturday morning so that we could get down there and hike Angel's Landing.

 (Yep - I hiked that!)

That's right...after hardly any sleep and a long drive down south, we hiked one of the most challenging hikes in Zion. Yeah - we were pretty crazy.

 

(About half-way there)

(Walter's Wiggles)

The hike was awesome, though! I wasn't sure how well I would do on it to be honest - I'm not really a hiker and it had been years since I'd done anything like that (my last hiking adventure was when I hiked the Y my last year at BYU). But I was pretty proud of myself. Don't get me wrong - it was a difficult hike, but I did it!

 (The group -minus Kellan- at the very top)

I didn't even freak out at the sheer drop offs on either side of me.

 (Proof I'm not exaggerating)

I was gripping the chains as if my life depended on it (which it did), but I didn't freak out. PS - I don't like cliffs. I don't mind heights - it's being right by a 1000 foot drop off that scares me a little.

 (I was literally shaking before, during, and after this picture was taken. Was it worth it? Ummm...yeah!)

Anyway...here are some more pics from our hike.

 

In one of the many "nooks" along the trail

 

Melissa, me, and Kellan getting ready to tackle Walter's Wiggles

Kellan and me at the fake top - where you realize there was MORE to the hike

 

KC getting a little nap in at the top of Angel's Landing

 

Such a cool picture of Melissa

 

Me, KC & Melissa

The fun didn't stop with Angel's Landing, though. We spent the next couple of days in St. George at a condo just relaxing and having fun. We played cards, read, swam, sat in the sun, watched TV, played basketball, and just hung out. I don't have any pictures from our time at the condo (sorry), so you'll just have to take my word for it that we had a good time. 

On Monday - before we headed back to Bountiful, we decided to visit Zion again, but this time do a little less-strenuous hike. We started out for the Lower Emerald Pools - thinking our hike would stop there. But once we reached our destination, realized the "hike" was really easy & that the Lower Pools weren't that impressive, we set off for the Middle and Upper Pools. It was a nice hike - not too difficult, but still a work-out. It was a good way to end our trip to Zion & St. George.

 

Melissa and me waiting for the shuttle

 

The Lower Emerald Pools

 

KC at the Middle Pools

 

Kellan practicing his Blue Steel

 

The gang at the Upper Pools

 

KC creating his own hike back to the car - ignoring the signs to stay on the paths

 

Learning Curve

Today was a rough day at work. Nothing really went wrong. It just wasn't good. On the outside my day might actually look good. I was VERY productive at work - I finished all that I needed to get done and was 100% chargeable. Then why, you might ask, was it such an awful day? Well I'll tell you.

I felt totally incompetent today. I felt like I didn't actually deserve to be working at LHM. I felt like I was letting down my co-workers and partners. I felt stupid. I felt like I was a brand new accountant right out of college with no idea of what I was actually supposed to do. I felt like I was thrown back to how it was when I first started working at PwC, except now, more was expected of me and I just kept falling short.

When I left PwC, I was a senior accountant. I was no longer preparing returns - I was reviewing them. I knew my clients and the issues they faced. I knew what needed to be done for each engagement I was assigned. I had checklists that listed out all the returns that were outstanding, when they were due, where they were at in the process, who was working on them, etc. I felt in control. Heck - I WAS in control. When I needed something, I would go straight to the client because they knew me and I knew them. We had a working relationship. I was excelling at my job - moving up the corporate ladder so to speak. I was challenged, but felt comfortable with what I was doing at the same time. I knew I was good at what I did. I was able to get through a partnership return in pretty good time - always under budget. I knew my managers liked me and were impressed with how fast I was catching on and how quickly I was progressing.

Today was basically the opposite of those feelings. I got a return back from being reviewed by the manager with an entire page of review notes - a return on which I thought I had done so well. I honestly hadn't expected to get anything back. I thought that I was FINALLY getting the hang of the exempt org returns - a form that I had never even seen until about 3 weeks ago, ps. But when that manager came in with his list of things I needed to fix, I felt like I had been slapped in the face. I had already spent more time than necessary working on the return because I had wanted it to be perfect before I gave it to him, so to add all the time it took to make the corrections on the return was another blow.

I knew they wanted to get the return to the client today, so I didn't spend time wallowing in my shame, I just got to work and made all the corrections. However, when I gave the return back, it hit me how incompetent I really was. I shouldn't have had all those review comments. I should have known to do those things before I handed in the return. They expect more out of me - I know they do. They want me to become the expert on these exempt org returns. But it's not just that - I expect more out of me. I should know how to do these returns by now. I should be getting only one or two corrections back - if any! Not a whole freaking page full of them!!

Needless to say, it didn't take long for the self-doubt and pity to set in. I was sitting at my desk holding back the tears. I wouldn't allow myself to go into the bathroom because I knew the water works would really come then (oh - if you don't know this about me by now it's about time you learned - I'm a cry baby. I cry at the drop of a hat). But luckily I held it together. I made it through the rest of the day.

To be honest, I'm still pretty low and I don't feel confident enough in my abilities to walk into work tomorrow with the thought that I was going to kick some Form 990 butt...but hopefully one day that will come. I'm still in the middle of the learning curve - the steep part - and it will probably continue to get steeper for a while. So for now, I guess I'll just have to get used to feeling inadequate and look forward to the day when I can get a return back with no corrections to be made.