In a Funk

I don't know why, but I feel like I've kind of been in a funk lately. It's kind of hard to explain what I mean by that, but I guess simply put I haven't really felt like myself. I've felt withdrawn - not really wanting to see anyone. When I do see my friends I'm quiet and shy. It's like I don't know what to say to these people I've become really good friends with. I feel awkward - almost like it's my first time hanging out with them.

I don't think I'm depressed. I've been there before and it was a lot worse than where I am right now. But I'm not happy. I'm not sad though either. I'm kind of just there. Living my life. Going through the motions. Not really feeling much. Sure I've had my moments when I've been happy and others when I've been sad. But for the most part, the past couple of weeks I've felt kind of like an emotionless zombie.

I haven't really wanted to be around people who know me well. I think partly because I know they will notice something is off and I don't want them to think that it's them. I also thought that if I took a break from my friends it would get me out of this funk quicker. But I haven't wanted to totally cut out my friends so I've tried to be social - just not as social as I was a few weeks ago.

I've done my best to put on a happy face when I'm with people or talking with them either through text or gchat. When people ask me how I am I usually say that I'm doing well. I try to act engaged in the group - talking when I'm supposed to, laughing at things that are funny, asking the right questions when someone has a story to tell. But it's all been an act. I've thought that if I kept playing along, then hopefully it would stop being and act and I could go back to my normal, cheerful, funny, and caring self. It hasn't worked.

But last night as I was getting ready for bed it hit me that I wasn't just having a funk with my social life, but with my spiritual life as well. OK...I knew this before last night, but it dawned on me last night that the two are probably related.

I haven't been that diligent in my scripture reading or prayers. I haven't had a strong desire to go to church and when I'm there it takes a lot of effort from my friends to keep me there - but I'm not focused on what is being taught. I go church because I know that's what I'm supposed to do. I feel like the church has become more of a social vehicle for me and since I haven't really had a desire to be social, I've had no real desire for church.

I know what I need to do - to fix my spiritual funk at least. I need to start reading my scriptures. I need to start praying. I need to grow closer to my Heavenly Father. This I know...the problem is actually doing it.

So I'm going to make a challenge for myself (that seems the only way I've been getting things done lately...make it a challenge). Today is Aug. 2. That means there are 5 months until the end of the year. In the next 5 months I'm going to read the entire Book of Mormon. In theory this shouldn't be hard - seeing as I've already read 1.5 books this past week. But in reality I know I'm going to struggle with it. That's why I'm putting this challenge on my blog - I have to be held accountable for this or I never will do it.

I'm hoping that by starting out with reading the Book of Mormon I will have more motivation to get down on my knees and pray. Then hopefully that will get me to want to go to church. And maybe this all can get me out of this funk.

As I was coming up with this plan last night before I went to bed, I was reminded of President Gordon B. Hinckley when he quoted his father's wise words: "forget yourself and go to work." So I'm going to try and do just that.

Lastly...for those friends who I have been pushing out of my life I'm sorry. I do love and care about you...but just be patient with me for a bit longer.